Year After Hell: Through the Fire
by magical m
Summary: The Year of Hell happened. Janeway has PTSD and Voyager is a shambles. Will she overcome? Can they continue their journey home? The harshness of the DQ proves what they are made of.Sorry! Added a new ch at ch10. My only 'backwards' addition. i needed it.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Year After Hell: Through the Fire

Author: magical m

Rating: M

A/N: An Alternate Universe where the Year of Hell happened. This fic is J/C as always, in any universe.

Credits: Thank you, Jadie, Anne, and Q for the beta work.

Disclaimer: The characters are the property of Paramount. No infringement intended

Day 1

Kathryn's attempt to re-boot the last year failed. She tried to ram the time ship but its own internal breach put the time ship out of temporal flux. _Voyager_ passed through a temporal explosion that could have been seen in any timeline.

In the end it was done. They had succeeded in destroying the Krenim time ship, but _Voyager's_ crew was strewn across space and the ship, _Voyager_, well it was hardly a starship anymore. An engineer could look at her and see what she once was, but to the average space traveler _Voyager _looked like an appalling piece of space junk.

Captain Kathryn Janeway sat on the floor beneath her command chair. She watched the time ship explode on the nearly shorted out view screen. As it disappeared into nothingness so did the last of her hope. How long she sat in silence she did not know.

A familiar voice stirred her from her despair. "Commander Chakotay to Captain Janeway."

"Chakotay?" Her voice sounded listless and broken.

He spoke over the comm., "Captain, the Mawasi have offered to tow Voyager to a space dock on Mawasi prime and are requesting permission to bring an engineering repair crew aboard to lock down any unstable systems."

"Granted."

Another voice, the voice of the Mawasi captain, spoke next. "Congratulations, Captain Janeway! You've defeated the Krenim. We'll be happy to assist you with anything you need."

Kathryn silently shook her head at his enthusiasm. Her first officer knew better than to congratulate her after she had been beaten to a pulp. "Thank you, Captain. I have a feeling we'll be in need of some assistance."

Kathryn raised herself from the floor and was leaning on the arm of the command chair when Chakotay materialized on the bridge.

His heart stopped at the sight. All his thoughts were slammed between the converging waves of joy and anguish as his eyes took in the sight of her.

"Kathryn," he gasped.

Kathryn stood before him in a tank top stained by _Voyager's _beating. Hearing Chakotay say her name roused in her a sense of self- consciousness, the first she had felt in months. Kathryn knew she wasn't the same. Somewhere in the battle, she had become the battle. The sound of his voice stirred her to remembrance that once she, Kathryn Janeway, was more than a fight, and more than a battlefield. The reminder hurt. She glanced to the floor.

As she did, Chakotay following her gaze saw the watch hanging at her waist. "You found it," he said.

"You disobeyed a direct order," she said flatly.

"I did," he acknowledged quietly.

"Thank you… I needed it."

He approached her to embrace her, and placing one hand on each shoulder, he held her firmly and looked into her eyes. "You did it, Kathryn. You did it."

Kathryn felt the emotions welled up within her. If she let him embrace her she knew she would cry. The prospect was too big of a threat. If she cried she feared she would lose control. The anger, fear, and defeat within her would come to the top and drown her forever.

"Not much of a victory," she snapped.

Letting go of her shoulders he spoke firmly, "Perhaps, but a victory none the less." Returning to first officer mode, he began to report, "The Mawasi and Nihydron are sending out messages on all carrier waves, to watch for our escape pods. And the Nihydron will arrange passage for all our crew members in what is now Zahl space to Mawasi Prime."

"Good." Her eyes looked lifeless.

He wanted to hug her, but he could tell that his every act of tenderness was perceived as a threat.

At that moment, a member of the Mawasi engineering crew walked onto the Bridge.

"Captain, Commander, we have done a quick survey of _Voyager's_ main systems." He let out an insensitive whistle. "If I had not seen it myself, I never would have believed a vessel could take such a pummeling and still be space worthy. You can actually bring her to space dock on your own engines. But first, Commander, may I ask you a few questions about your maneuvering thrusters?"

"I'll join you in engineering." Turning to follow the young Mawasi engineer off the Bridge, he glanced back at Kathryn, "Captain?"

She inclined her head in agreement. He should go.

Alone on her bridge, Kathryn sank into her chair. Every temptation to feel left her when Chakotay walked off the Bridge. She was satisfied with his absence because the emotions she contended with at his arrival felt more formidable than those she experienced during any battle of the past year. Completely numb she stared ahead of her until Chakotay called her from engineering and told her they were ready to get underway.

Joylessly, Kathryn took the conn and followed the other vessels to space dock. Concentrating only upon maneuvering _Voyager, _she didn't notice the beauty of the approaching binary system full of ringed planets. The fact that she was almost single-handedly responsible for restoring their vibrant civilization to the time-line was, at the moment, of little consequence to Captain Kathryn Janeway.


	2. Chapter 2

Day 3

The skeleton crew of _Voyager _was provided with accommodations in space dock, where the Mawasi sought to meet any expressed need. In the time-line finally established by the temporal explosion, the Mawasi were rapidly losing outposts to the Krenim Imperium. The Krenim conquered surrounding star systems and no one had yet developed a defense to the chronoton torpedoes. Upon arriving with _Voyager, _the Mawasi who witnessed the explosion of the time ship provided their government with chronoton shielding. In a matter of days the Mawasi outposts were entirely shielded from attack.

A jubilant chancellor invited Captain Janeway and her crew to a banquet in their honor. They were taken by shuttle to Shantix Five, the fifth planet in the binary system, where they were escorted into a large atrium. Shantix Five was terraformed, and the palatial rooms of the Governing House were designed partly with architecture and partly out with the terraformed rock. The rock walls and ceiling rounded out to a layered glass structure through which, the planetary rings were distorted like a kaleidoscope.

"Captain Janeway." The chancellor's voice bellowed against the atrium's walls. The small but rotund leader briskly walked down a glass staircase that could hardly be distinguished from the multi-faceted design.

Following his voice, Kathryn turned about the room until she saw him descending the stairs. "Ah, Chancellor Bergo, it is an honor to make your acquaintance. Allow me to present to you my crew." As he approached she named off her small party. "Commander Chakotay, Lieutenant's Paris and Torres, Ensign Kim, and Mr. Neelix." Tuvok was in a Nihydron medical facility, and Seven and the Doctor chose to accompany him.

With arms wide, the chancellor replied, "Welcome, Welcome! Please follow me, the party awaits you." The chancellor took Kathryn by her hand and guided her to another staircase that opened out into a glass and marble banquet hall that seated approximately one hundred people. He ushered the captain, followed by her awed crew, to the head table.

Chancellor Bergo spoke in his grandest voice, "I'm am pleased to announce to the Mawasi Court and the People's Representatives, Captain Kathryn Janeway and the crew of the Starship _Voyager_.

Bergo's enthusiasm was matched by the crowd's boisterous response.

Kathryn rolled her eyes at Chakotay. A brief, one dimple, smirk revealed that he shared the same sentiment, but his face changed to a more serious expression which told her to pay attention to the chancellor. When she turned back to their host, she realized that he was expecting her to address the room.

Her Starfleet diplomacy training took over, but as Kathryn spoke she tried not to pay attention to how disconnected she felt from the room. They were celebrating, but she was dying inside. This event took time away from repairing _Voyager_ and finding her crew.

Throughout the night Bergo introduced her about the room as if she were his date, at least as the debutant of the hour. Here or there he'd make reference to the help they were going to provide _Voyager_, and Kathryn tried to get as many precise answers as possible without spoiling his festive mood.

Chakotay watched carefully and reflected on how Kathryn had changed. Her familiar white suit hung loosely off her gaunt frame, revealing how much she had lost during his absence. He could even see the taut muscles in her neck that gave away when she was clenching her teeth. As he watched the muscle action, he noticed something else. A burn. Obviously, Kathryn had received some dermal regeneration treatments, but the skin was still slightly discolored and a slightly different texture. He saw it first on her neck and then looking more closely he followed the lines on her hand and her forearm. His eyes widened as he wondered how much of her beautiful body was badly burned.

As if she felt his stare, Kathryn turned and caught him. She shifted uncomfortably to avoid his gaze and quickly sought out more of the small talk that had been previously making her ill.

Kathryn didn't sound the same to Chakotay either. She lost her careful diplomatic charm and at times was too abrasive with their hosts. Her best effort couldn't hide from his sight that she had been burned far beneath the skin. The last year had stolen Kathryn's ability to see the wonder of the glass palace and hope for the future.

* * *

In the Nihydron medical facility, Tuvok opened his eyes while Seven watched him from his bedside.

The Doctor was conferring with the Nihydron surgical specialist.

Studying the console, the Nihydron physician remarked, "The patient is responding more rapidly to the cellular regenerative therapy than the average Nihydron."

The EMH replied, "Yes, that is typical of his species, Vulcans are resilient. So, may we discuss a time schedule for his return to _Voyager_?"

"I keep all patients for at least five days. Even with his rapid recovery, he will benefit from our nutrient rich eye washes, and I want him to receive the full benefit of that treatment."

Slowly, Tuvok's sight became clearer. As it did, he saw Seven watching him. "It is good to see you," he said quietly.

Seven smiled gently and replied, "And it is good to be seen."

Tuvok astutely noticed a surveillance camera fixed on them. He glanced from it to Seven.

She answered, "It appears the Nihydron are watchful of strangers, but I suspect particularly those that are companions of the Borg."

Tuvok replied wryly, "That is understandable to most, 'liberated Borg' sounds like an oxymoron."


	3. Chapter 3

Day 15

The Mawasi engineering team assigned to assist Voyager's crew worked with them to find materials and technologies to rebuild the ship of growing fame. A small handful of_ Voyager's_ crew that left in escape pods trickled in and was pleased to receive food, sleep, comfortable accommodations, and relief from imminent death.

Kathryn Janeway frustrated her hosts by choosing to stay on board _Voyager_ and not availing herself of their plush accommodations. She made the decision upon leaving the party on Shantix Five. Repairing her ship was her only concern and staying aboard maximized her ability to do so.

But in her zeal to fix _Voyager, _Kathryn was also extremely irritable. To Chakotay's surprise her otherwise loyal crew wasn't able to bear her short tempered manner. Chakotay fielded a number of complaints and then saw what the crew was saying, for himself.

Kathryn and Nanton Mordan, the chief Mawasi engineer assigned to _Voyager,_ were walking the corridor. As he began to following them, he overheard the tail end of their argument.

Nanton was tall and her Mawasi skin was dark with a slight olive tinge. Trying her best to communicate calmly, her tone betrayed her impatience with the commanding officer. "Captain, the chancellor was offended by your remark. He understands how important rebuilding _Voyager _is to you."

"Does he?" Kathryn made no effort to hide her caustic tone. "Then why does he insist on these social engagements? If the Mawasi aide is dependant upon keeping a full dance card, then _Voyager_ and her crew will get by fine on our own."

"That is not want he meant. Please Captain, he was only saying that with the extra help we are providing he thought it reasonable that you could free up some of your time for diplomatic activities. Besides, I think it would be good for you to stop."

"Stop? Stop!" Kathryn halted her brisk walk and turned to the tall woman who easily matched her stride. "How can I stop? My crew is strewn across the sector, and my ship is not fit to accommodate them. I can't stop. At the end of the evening the chancellor goes home, but oh, not my crew. No, you tell him I can't stop. At this time _Voyager_ is in no condition to be sending out visiting diplomats."

Kathryn glanced at Chakotay who had now caught up to the two women. She saw the concern and disapproval on his face. Promptly, she turned her back on them both and proceeded down the hall. Chakotay took Nanton by the arm and did his best to smooth things over.

After seeing Nanton to engineering, he promised to contact the chancellor to handle his concerns personally. Redirecting the engineer's attention to the acquisition of dilithium, Chakotay headed to his office.

* * *

The Doctor and Tuvok were waiting for Chakotay in his office. They had an appointment for which Chakotay was late. He had just sat down and started to take a drink of his tea when he realized that their purpose was to confront him with the doctor's decision to relieve the captain of her command.

Slamming his teacup down on his desk, he replied, "The captain did what she had to. She brought the ship through and now we are rebuilding. We will recover our crew and continue. I have no intention of rewarding her sacrifice and perseverance by taking her command of this vessel. The answer is: No!"

He rose from his desk and began to pace. "Look you both got back only a few days ago. Give her some time. We've all been through hell! Who are you to say you are handling this any better than she is?"

Tuvok stood before him. "Commander, your argument is clearly illogical. We are not speaking in terms of rewards, nor can maintaining command be considered as a reward. It is the Doctor's professional opinion that the captain is not medically fit for the job and keeping her in command poses a risk to this ship."

Chakotay paced. "So she took some risks…"

The Doctor jumped up with a shrill protest. "And threatened to decompile me!"

"People say things under stress."

Tuvok said, "Commander, we need you to set aside your personal feelings for the captain and consider what is best for the ship."

Chakotay spun on his heel to face Tuvok. He searched the Vulcan's expression and then looked at the Doctor again. Choosing to respond calmly, he said, "Tell me your reasons again."

"The medical condition she suffers from is called acute stress disorder." The Doctor spoke professionally this time, "and it is unquestionably affecting the captain's judgment. Without treatment and intervention, it can develop into post traumatic stress disorder and can potentially become a life long problem."

"Will relieving her of command, help Kathryn?"

Tuvok raised an eyebrow at the obvious emotion in Chakotay's voice.

"It could. She needs time, rest, and a safe environment where she can process everything she has been through. Sustained trauma over long periods of time affects the neural pathways, damaging her ability to think clearly. On an emotional level she is overloaded and will have difficulty regulating emotion. If the captain can learn to see and understand how this battle has impacted her, I'm confident that we can help her overcome the symptoms of post traumatic stress."

"But relieving her of command will be another blow to her."

"Initially, yes, but I see no way around it. Without it she won't stop. In my opinion she is driving herself and the little crew we have because she is afraid of what she needs, afraid to stop."

Chakotay turned from the Doctor to Tuvok and eyed him sternly. Tuvok's loyalty to Janeway was unwavering. Chakotay had just witnessed her volatility and saw her anger at the word 'stop.'

"Alright. I'll act upon your recommendations."

"Thank you, Commander." The Doctor replied too enthusiastically.

"Doctor, I assure you that the captain will not decompile your matrix. But even relieved of command she will be treated with the utmost respect. If she refuses treatment leave her alone. Tuvok, you and I are going to meet with the captain and ask her to relinquish her command codes. I see no reason why she cannot maintain minimal engineering access. There is plenty to do and I want to leave her free to pick her own chores."

The Doctor interjected, "What? Commander? I said, 'she needs to stop.'"

Tuvok raised an eyebrow at the commander's proposal. "Intriguing."

"I want to ease her burden not restrict her freedom. And I'm sure Kathryn would go crazy if she was not permitted to contribute at all. Is that understood?"

"Understood."

"Doctor, you are dismissed."

Startled by the terse dismissal, the Doctor exited in silence.

After the doors closed, Chakotay said, "As for my personal feelings for the captain, they have and will continue to be an asset to this ship. Is that clear, Mr. Tuvok?"

Tuvok raised an eyebrow and replied, "Yes, sir."

Chakotay's pursed lips turned up in a thin smile. "Good." He placed a hand on Tuvok's shoulder and added somberly, "Now you and I need to go find her."

* * *

They found Kathryn in her ready room. Most of the debris had been cleared away and Kathryn was working on restoring the communications systems. She was stripped down to her tank top and had her arms buried in the wall.

"Oh, good timing, hand me the wavelength modulator, would you?"

With her head partially inside the exposed section of wall and her hand pointing at the tools on her desk, she continued to work.

Chakotay stood with both hand behind his back. "Captain, we need to talk to you."

"Oh?" She turned to face them.

"If this is about the Mawasi chancellor's request for aide in trying to establish a peace treaty with the Krenim, you can forget it. We're in no shape for that kind of thing."

The two men looked at each other in surprise. Neither had heard of the chancellor's plan.

Chakotay responded, "No, Captain. That's not what we need to discuss."

Kathryn studied them briefly. "I see." Pointing them to the dusty sitting area, she said, "Very well then. Hand me the modulator and then sit down."

Tuvok picked up the tool and placed it in Kathryn's out stretched hand and then followed Chakotay to the sitting area. They sat down on the same sofa and waited for Kathryn to finish her repairs.

Satisfied that she got the repairs to a place she could stop, Kathryn dusted off her hands and sat down across from the two men. "Now, tell me what pressing matter could possibly have the two of you off your repair detail and together here to visit me?"

Chakotay began to speak but Kathryn raised a hand to stop him and continued sarcastically, "It can't be a conflict among the crew because we hardly have any. It can't be…"

"Kathryn." Chakotay spoke her name firmly. The job before him was difficult enough without her caustic emphasis on the ship's sorry state.

As she stopped, Kathryn threw a hand in the air and slumped back in her chair, she said, "Fine. Let's hear it."

Chakotay's eyes darted from Kathryn to Tuvok and back to Kathryn before he took a deep breath and calmly began. "Kathryn, you've been through hell and we are worried about you. I know the ship needs to be repaired, but you and its crew have needs, too. I want to ask you to take it easy for a bit."

Tuvok's eyebrow raised and Kathryn read his expression; clearly Chakotay wasn't saying what Tuvok expected of him. "So that's why the two of you are here? To ask me to take it easy? Oh hell, have a holiday while my ship is in shambles and my crew scattered across a broad region of space." Kathryn rolled her eyes. "I don't think so, Commander."

Chakotay looked at the floor.

In a stately logical tone, Tuvok interjected, "What the commander is attempting to address is your current inability to command this vessel."

Chakotay's head shot up. Both he and Kathryn stared at Tuvok until he added, "Are you not, Commander?"

Kathryn turned to Chakotay and waited for an answer.

Chakotay cleared his throat and forced himself to look her in the eye.

"Why?" she asked in a near whisper.

His eyes darted away from her and back to her again. His stomach turned over inside him as he wet his lips and tried to explain. "The Doctor informed me of his attempt to relieve you of command…"

"Chakotay, you can't be serious."

"I do understand that when he attempted to relieve you of command, it wasn't practical or even possible. I wouldn't have listened to him at that point either. But he has some genuine medical concerns, Kathryn, and they need to be addressed as soon as possible."

"His concerns, if I remember correctly, call in to question my psychological health."

"Yes, they do."

"You can't possibly think…" Kathryn began, skeptical that she could actually lose Chakotay's support, but as she watched him sitting before her staring at the floor, her thoughts changed. "Oh, so you do."

"I didn't believe it when the Doctor first expressed his concerns, no." Chakotay thought of his initial reaction to the Doctor. This line of thinking was an affront to his loyalty to the captain, but the Doctor's concerns had been echoed by Tuvok and Seven. Even B'Elanna thought Kathryn was too reckless and volatile to maintain command. When asked, young Kim admitted that he was scared of the captain's repeated willingness to push herself, her ship, and her crew beyond all reasonable limits. But Chakotay wouldn't say any of that.

He leaned forward and spoke to her gently, as if they were the only two people in the room. His big brown eyes were pools of compassion. "Look. All I'm asking is that you temporarily relinquish your command codes. In time, I'm sure the Doctor will have more confidence in your ability to resume command. We're not going anywhere in the meantime, and I don't see why you can't maintain engineering clearance. I know you'll want to have something to do, and _Voyager _needs your touch right now. Just leave the politics and people to me. Rest when you need rest and work when you want to work."

The love in his eyes softened the blow in his words. A muscle in her cheek twitched as she decided how to respond. She wanted to appreciate his compassion, but instead a cage set in around her heart and she hated him for doing this to her.

Beaten, Kathryn Janeway relinquished her command codes to her two best friends and returned to her quarters where she spent 63 hours alone in the dark.


	4. Chapter 4

Day 20

Tom Paris shot up in his bed and gasped for breath. Again, it was the middle of the night, and again his attempts at sleep mocked him. He glanced around anxiously at the unfamiliar surroundings.

Standing up, Tom looked back at B'Elanna, who slept undisturbed and tried to steady his breathing. Images of being locked in isolation by the Krenim receded from his consciousness. How many times had he beaten the door in futile anger, yelling at the Krenim guards, because he was desperate to get back to her? Desperate to make sure she was okay, to fight for her. But now, there she lay peacefully beside him, and he could not rest.

Tom poured himself at shot of whiskey, downed it, poured another and looked at the time. He drank the second shot and cursed. The space dock offered services around the clock, but he found Mawasi night life too formal, too pristine for his tastes. There wasn't a pool table, or a games room in the joint. Not to mention he was sick to death of the hero's fanfare.

Slipping some clothes on, and putting the bottle inside his jacket, Tom went out to look for something to do.

Tom was still gone in the morning when B'Elanna woke up and started her shift.

* * *

Chancellor Bergo's office, on the governing planet of Shantix Five, was high in the glass palace. The final portion of staircase ascended from the chancellor's aides' offices and reception area. It went up an outside wall on the outer edge of the palace. It afforded a spectacular view of the red desert planet.

The rock that the glass palace was built out of was pale yellow and a shear face of it traveled up to a jagged edge near to the glass staircase. More yellow rock formations could be seen coming out of the rusty ground below. In the distance there was a large bright blue lake. This side of the lake was couched in golden rock, but extending out from the other side of for as far as they could see was the lush terraformed agricultural and resort area.

The structure of the chancellor's office was indicative of the governing style employed by the Mawasi. He didn't have a powerful looking desk like some in the Federation still use. Instead the chancellor's workstation was at the center of a large semi-circular table. The table provided three seats to the left and three seats to the right of the chancellor. Later, in the meeting, a low-resolution holographic emitter was activated at the end of semi-circular table.

Chakotay and Tuvok took the two seats to the right of Bergo. Using his crude holographic imager, accompanied with his own ability to tell a good story, Bergo taught them the history of his people, and their relationship with the surrounding star systems.

From its earliest development the Mawasi government remained a mix of aristocracy and democracy. In some respects the political structure was comparable to Earth's early Roman Empire, except that the Mawasi rulers were, by nature, remarkably benevolent.

The Mawasi home world, Shantix Three, and Mawasi exploration and colonization of their own large solar system developed without the violence and had virtually no military.

The naive Mawasi were ill prepared for the agression of neighboring races. As they extended their colonies to the outer portions of the large binary solar system, they experienced their first dispute with the Zahl. The Zahl had begun to colonize Shantix Eleven when the Mawasi arrived, an ownership dispute erupted which resulted in a Zahl attack on two Mawasi home planets killing three billion Mawasi.

The Mawasi remained oppressed until they developed fighting forces and technologies to help them retaliate. They eventually managed to reclaim and defend their solar system until the recent Krenim attacks.

"So my friends, until your arrival my people have always been convinced that the only way to deal with everyone who is not Mawasi, was to develop better and better self defense. The first alliance that any Mawasi has ever made with an alien species was with your Captain Janeway." Bergo clapped his hands enthusiastically. "And I must say it has had marvelous results."

Unable to contain the energy this subject gave him, he stood and began to pace. "Then when as we got to know you and saw then number of alien species among you that travel under one banner as one people, it opened our eyes to a realm of possibilities we had never seen before! If Mawasi, Nihydron and Federation can form an alliance, and stop the violence against them, and if the Nihydron can cooperate with the Zahl to bring you Federations to the Mawasi, then what else is possible? A promise of peace and cooperation with the Nihydron? With the Zahl? And if the Mawasi can have peace with the Nihydron then maybe peace is even possible with the Krenim?"

"We, Mawasi, have always been a peaceful people, but you Federations…" He patted their shoulders eagerly. "You know how to make peace with strangers. Teach us. Teach us your government, your philosophies, and anything else you use to do this!"

He sat down again and folded his hands. "You see, I asked this of Captain Janeway, but she … she doesn't have a vision for the good you can bring to this region. But you Commander Chakotay, and Lieutenant Tuvok, will you help me?"

Chakotay answered, "Chancellor Bergo, what you are asking is a relatively simple request. Every Starfleet officer is trained in negotiating between alien species. While the state of _Voyager_ would hinder us from doing just about anything, what you ask is built into our guiding principles, our people themselves. Perhaps, we can begin by teaching you our history, the development of our treaties, and then aide you in learning negotiating skills to help you effect change in this reason of space."

"Thank you, Commander Chakotay. When can we begin?"

Chakotay turned to Tuvok and asked, "Any thoughts on how to go about this?"

"Commander, if what the chancellor is proposing happens it will result in a massive shift in cultural and political paradigms. However, his ambitions are logical and potentially attainable. It will take time. To begin, we'd need to prepare the Mawasi people, educate them on Federation principles, and show them some working treaties. While we are doing that, we should also research the Nihydron, the Zahl, and even the Krenim. There may or may not be grounds upon which we can appeal to them for peaceful collaboration."

"Agreed. Tuvok, I want you to work with the chancellor. Assemble a class of future Mawasi diplomats. You and I can provide them the training they need. I'll put Harry and Seven on researching the Nihydron and the Zahl. With B'Elanna in charge of engineering and the Mawasi's present assistance, I'm sure we can manage it." Looking to the chancellor, he added before as he rose from his chair. "We have a few things to put together and we can meet about this again tomorrow."

* * *

At the end of the engineers' shift, Nanton and B'Elanna were talking alone in the engine room.

"B'Elanna, are you okay?"

B'Elanna's jaw tensed. "I'm fine. Why?"

"I noticed you often keep yourself distant from your crew, but, even more so today."

B'Elanna's hand froze on her padd as she tried to field the question. "I… I hadn't noticed actually."

"It is as if you don't feel like you belong among your own people."

Noticeably caught off guard, B'Elanna stammered, "I…" Controlling her Klingon temper, B'Elanna only cursed her in her mind.

"I didn't mean to hit a nerve, but I think we have similar struggles, maybe we can talk about it some time."

A moment of silence passed between the two women.

Nanton concluded, "But, in watching you, I noticed that you command a lot of respect from your crew. Not only do you belong among your people, but you are a true leader. They draw strength from you, so relax. You do what you do very well, so don't pay so much attention to whatever makes you feel that way."

"Thanks, I'll think about that." B'Elanna waved goodbye with padd in hand.

"See you in the morning."

"Yeah."

In the shadow of a still burnt out console, Kathryn, in casual dress, leaned against the wall. "Kind of a nosey thing, isn't she?"

"Captain?"

"But she's right, you know."

Since it was hard for her to receive the compliment, B'Elanna stared blankly

"When you first became chief engineer, you got the job on the basis of your ingenious thinking. But you've learned to handle the crew well. Through this crisis, you did one hell of a job."

"Thank you, Captain. But… what are you doing here?"

Kathryn sighed hard and folded her arms. "I'm looking for a job. I was thinking about a night shift. You know, something challenging, and with little contact with nosey or encouraging aliens."

B'Elanna chuckled and Kathryn smiled.

"Do you have something in mind?" B'Elanna asked.

"Show me what you've got."

The two women poured over the engineering console and easily selected tasks that suited Kathryn's talents.

A night owl by nature, Kathryn enjoyed the silence as she fixed the forward array. As the engineering crew arrived from space dock, Kathryn collapsed in her quarters content with exhaustion.

For weeks on end no one saw Kathryn but B'Elanna. When they met, they talked about little more than _Voyager's _status.

She did see the Doctor on a couple occasions to continue her dermal regeneration treatments but they spoke only when the treatment required it.

Chakotay was busy with growing diplomatic activities. The war torn region wanted peace, and Chancellor Bergo was almost mystically convinced that _Voyager _could help them establish it. Chakotay accompanied Bergo to meet various world leaders, and while he did so he quizzed them on raw resources and technologies _Voyager _could use - and of course, the location of _Voyager's _missing crew.

Twenty-six crew members had been returned and were given lodging on the station. A crew of twelve engineers and forty labourers worked on _Voyager_ by day, and the shadow of the captain was rumored to work out all the major kinks by night.

* * *

Day 26

Tom Paris had moved back onto _Voyager. _Several days earlier he woke up in his ruined quarters nursing a terrible hang over. But he decided he was more comfortable there than in the Mawasi accommodations.

A few more of _Voyager's_ crew began to trickle in, but he was the least busy of them. Fifty-six crew members had been identified in the initial sweeps, so even more were on their way back. Tom, a pilot who was without a ship to fly, worked alongside the Doctor, alternately making repairs to sick bay and assessing the crew who returned to _Voyager._

In an effort to build camaraderie among the crew and make Voyager like old times, Tom Paris hauled some tables and chairs onto the holodeck, and even managed to arrange for refreshments. He invited crew members to join him in the barren room for a round of poker, but very few took him seriously. Without the hologrid it was more a reminder of what they had lost than a refuge. The more battered of the crew, congregated at Tom's table, quietly playing cards and occasionally sharing a hard memory, and sticking together, but most preferred the comforts of Mawasi hospitality.

With most of the senior staff engaged in diplomatic activities, Tom became increasingly disconnected from them. He speculated the tension between him and Chakotay on Annorax's ship had something to do with his exclusion, and now Chakotay was embroiled in the Mawasi problems, but he didn't care enough to inquire. B'Elanna never asked him why he left or why he never came back to their shared accommodations. All in all, he found it easy to slip through the cracks.

And so with the captain working all night, and a handful of crew members hiding out playing poker, a crippled night life formed aboard _Voyager._ It was a life more in tune with the soul of the ship, unlike the buzz of professional activity that took place during the day.


	5. Chapter 5

Day 37

Late one night as Chakotay wandered through Voyager, with his head full Mawasi political dynamics and cultural intricacies, he found himself at Kathryn's door. He looked at it and realized he missed her.

After receiving no answer, he let himself in. His heart sank when he saw the conditions she was living in. There was still battle debris about the room. The replicator was half out of the wall yet somehow rigged to work. He walked through each room. In the bathroom, he discovered that the sonic shower still functioned, but the bath did not.

On further inspection, he found it was merely a few fused relays between the replicator and the faucet that prevented the steady flow of water to the tub. Chakotay fixed the relays and found a few more problems as he got more involved in the project. By the time he was finished, he cleaned Kathryn's quarters.

Early in the morning when Kathryn arrived, Chakotay had run a full steaming hot tub. And when she entered her quarters, the large man in full uniform stepped out of her bathroom.

"Well, that is one more system running," he said, dusting off his hands.

Kathryn could smell the water and feel the humidity. It enticed her and softened her resolve. How long had it been since she had a bath? She looked at Chakotay and thought she would cry. How she had missed him!

Fighting off the tears, she, as if by reflex, verbally abused him instead. "If I were in charge, I'd be fixing vital systems."

Chakotay smiled calmly and replied, "Oh, but I am. As I see it, you, Kathryn, are vital."

Did his eyes twinkle when he said that? Again she bit her lip. Walking into the bathroom, she saw what he had done.

She loved him. She appreciated his tenderness. She wanted him. She was angry at every part of her that chose to deny his companionship. In the swirling emotions, sparks of anger lit those long pent up desires, and Kathryn chose a radical action. With her back to Chakotay who had followed her, she undid her shirt and undergarment let them drop to the floor. Before he could back out of the room, she turned to face him, naked from the waist up.

For a moment he was stunned and confused.

Her words contained traces of spite but still came across as intensely sexy, "You want to fix me, Chakotay?" She took one step toward him and put her hands on her hips.

His eyes dropped to the floor as his heart pounded.

"It hardly seems like I feel anything anymore. But, you could make me feel."

"Kathryn," he whispered. Slowly his eyes rose from the floor and traced her form. The dermal regeneration worked, and for that he was relieved. The sight of the scars hurt him, but now they were gone. She was beautiful, but he couldn't ignore her behaviour. It revealed the deeper scar.

"Chakotay, it doesn't matter now. I'm sick of holding back. Not anymore." She reached out to touch his arm.

Her husky voice enticed him, but he couldn't ignore the traces of frustration, even bitterness.

Think, Chakotay. Think! What had the Doctor said about her, 'acute stress disorder… difficulty regulating emotion?' He remembered the years of anger and defeat he experienced as a rebel Maquis. He knew what she wanted, emotional release. He sensed her tension and her anger.

"No, Kathryn," he said as he reached for a towel. He covered her shoulders and stroked her cheek, "It still matters. I'm still your first officer. I'm just filling in until the ship is yours again. You aren't yourself right now, and I have to conduct myself on my watch as you would have me do so on yours."

Her jaw clenched and she scoffed, "You can't be serious."

Standing within inches of each other, their eyes locked, as if in some wild contest.

"Oh, but I am." He spoke gently. "But, I must confess I'm being selfish."

She smiled almost wickedly. "Selfish, Chakotay?"

"Yes. You see, if I take you in your anger, then I may never have you in your love."

Her countenance melted as his words made their impact.

He kissed her forehead. "Now, enjoy your bath and take care of Kathryn for me. I'll be gone for a while."

Her jaw dropped as he exited her quarters.

After he left, she stripped off the rest of her clothes, climbed into the tub and cursed herself. You could've just said 'thank you,' Kathryn. She sunk her head under the water and tried to forget about life.

* * *

Day 38

Early in the morning, Chakotay strode in to sick bay. "Doctor, I need to see you in your office."

He proceeded to the Doctor's office, ordered a coffee from the replicator, took a large gulp, and sat down. The Doctor, acting uppity, was slow to follow him in, but then he saw that the commander's mood offered no room for smart remarks.

"How may I be of assistance?" He walked around his desk and looked back at Chakotay whose feet were on the desk and hands on his temples. Picking up a medical tricorder, the Doctor leaned over to quickly scanned him.

"It's not about me." Chakotay waved the tricorder away, irritably. "Sit down."

"Aye, sir."

"I need to talk to you about Captain Janeway. Are you expecting Paris in any time soon?"

The Doctor frowned. "That is highly unlikely."

"Even so… Computer seal the doors."

"Commander?"

He rubbed his tired eyes, pulled his feet off the desk and gave the Doctor his full attention. "Tell me about this disorder. What are the symptoms? I want to know all the ways this thing can affect her. And is she in any danger?"

"Danger? What are you concerned about, Commander?"

"What are the symptoms, Doctor?" Chakotay repeated himself in a curt manner.

The Doctor began to rattle off the symptoms. "Difficulty falling or staying asleep, irritability or outbursts of anger, difficulty concentrating, hyper-vigilance, exaggerated startle response, difficulty remembering aspects of the trauma, or re-experiencing aspects of the trauma in various ways, feeling detached or estranged from others, restricted ability to feel emotions…"

"Stop."

"Of course, any combinations of these and other symptoms, are indicators of Post Traumatic Stress. And as a result of these symptoms one becomes socially and occupationally impaired."

Chakotay rubbed his face with his hands. The picture of Kathryn standing in her bathroom burned in his mind. "Talk to me about that restricted ability to feel emotions, what does that mean?"

"Chakotay, you should be aware that in all likelihood, what Captain Janeway suffers from is more likely Complex Post Traumatic Stress."

"What does that mean?"

"She has experienced severe trauma throughout her life. Some before being catapulted into the delta quadrant, and some sustained over long periods of time. I have been concerned with how she suppresses her emotions for a long time. Some of those symptoms that concern me are: massive denial, indifference to pain, absence of feelings, an inability to manage emotions and impulses, dissociation and somatization."

"What can we do?"

"There are some useful therapeutic techniques but, you are right, she has to want help. Healing occurs best in a safe and compassionate environment. You've been patient with her, but she isn't choosing to seek help. You are her closest friend. Can you convince her to reach out?"

"I can try, Doctor, but she hasn't been speaking to me, and now I'm going away for a week." He thought for a moment. "She is sleeping now and I don't want to disturb her. When she goes out to work tonight, can you leave some thing in her quarters for me?"

"I'd be glad, too."

"Thank you, Doctor. I'll drop it by before I go."

* * *

Day 39

Kathryn continued her routine of working all night and returned to her quarters tired. Except this time she looked forward to soaking in her tub. She stopped when she found a peace rose on the table and a sealed envelope with her name on it.

She opened it and found a plain note. It read:

_Dearest Kathryn,_

_Please don't worry about yesterday. I understand it's been hard and I do want to help you feel again. Nothing pains me more than to see you experiencing the anger and defeat I once felt and in greater measure than anything I've ever known. _

_Serving you gave me peace, and I ever desire to make your burden lighter. I want only one thing, Kathryn, to somehow give you that peace you gave me. _

_I hope we can talk when I get back. Like old times._

_Yours,_

_Chakotay_

Kathryn held the note to her heart for a long time then she set it down. She picked up the rose, put it in water and took it to the bath with her.


	6. Chapter 6

Chakotay, Tuvok, Harry Kim, and Seven of Nine entered Nihydron space aboard a Mawasi vessel with a handful of lower ranking Mawasi delegates. Chakotay and Tuvok were going to facilitate the first Mawasi-Nihydron discussions towards the forming of a treaty.

The Mawasi agreed to grant the use of one of their vessels, the _Sotma_, to _Voyager's _crew. After delivering the delegation to a Nihydron home world, Seven of Nine and Harry Kim set out to a handful of strategic locations where they were going to scan for crew members in hiding.

B'Elanna scanned progress report after progress report as they came in. She paced at her workstation, glancing from console to padd, to console. Her mind walked through every system, subsystem, corridor, and Jeffries tube to plan for the next day.

_Voyager_ and her repairs were left completely under B'Elanna's command, and while she did give due consideration to Federation specifications, the opportunity to build _Voyager _better, stronger, and equipped with so many of the things she might have hoped for in the last three years, did not escape her. She gleaned technologies from their new friends, as well as refitted some of the systems with designs that had impressed her in the Delta Quadrant.

On one screen she pulled up a complete Mawasi database, on another she had _Voyager's _initial specs, and on another she pulled up archived hostile ship specifications including those of the Borg and the Krenim. All the while, she scanned each new report to see how far they'd come, and who and what they could pull from where to keep building the next day.

Nanton and the other Mawasi were challenged and invigorated by the brainstorming sessions they had with _Voyager's _engineering crew. Nanton had become accustomed to B'Elanna quickly throwing questions at her about everything from the properties of Delta Quadrant elements to the phase shifts of Mawasi energy fields. However, as Nanton approached she could see B'Elanna was slowing down.

B'Elanna glanced up as she felt Nanton observing her too carefully.

Nanton's countenance changed as she reported with satisfaction. "All of the ruptured EPS conduits have been located and repaired. The electro plasma system is online. Every test indicates that fusing the relays with Mawasi energy converters has increased the usable energy to ship's systems by a factor of 4.7."

"Excellent! Are the fused relays running too hot?"

"All are well within Federation specifications."

"We'll keep an eye on it, but it sounds good."

B'Elanna leaned against the console and relaxed a little. "We won't be able to get at the structural integrity field or the reaction control system until the next Zahl shipment. It's going to be slow going for a week or more."

"Your crew could use some rest and relaxation, and you all have complete liberty to explore the Shantix system."

"You are right. I'll begin scheduling some shore leave."

"Will that include some time for you?"

"Maybe a little. Any places or activities you recommend?"

"What do you like? Are you looking for somewhere for you and Tom?"

"Just me." B'Elanna's response was abrupt, but she was not as threatened by Nanton's gentle probe. "I like hot, tropical, no skiing, and maybe a little rock climbing or hiking. Got somewhere like that?"

"I know just the place. Give me a call after you've done your scheduling."

The tall Mawasi strode out of engineering and B'Elanna turned her thoughts to the duty roster.

The night of Day 50

Tom was rounding a corner when Kathryn stepped out of a Jeffries tube.

"Well if it isn't the miracle worker in the flesh."

Kathryn turned around and brushed out some of the creases in her slacks. Tom stood before her with a big grin on his face and a corked bottle in each hand.

"Evening Tom," she said rolling her eyes at his greeting. "Where's the party?"

"Party? I wouldn't say it's a party but there is a little get together in holodeck one. Care to join me?"

"Holodeck one? The holodecks aren't running."

"Nope, they aren't, but it doesn't take much to suit up a holodeck for a good game of poker."

"Poker?"

"Well yeah, Sandrine's pool table was holographic. So poker it is. Come on, join me for a round."

Kathryn hesitated and looked back at the Jeffries tube.

"Unless, there is something you need a hand with?"

"No, I've done all I can until the next batch of supplies arrive."

"And the night is young. Come on, you need a break."

She didn't move.

Reading her thoughts, Paris supplied a little more information. "It's just the regulars tonight. Anyone else that might have joined us is at some Mawasi function on the third planet. So, let's see there's me, Neelix, Susan Nicoletti, and Joe Carrey."

Kathryn rolled the names over in her mind and wondered if any would mind her being there.

"One round? I'll tell them all you're busy but I talked you into stopping by for one round. Give it a try. If you're uncomfortable you've got an easy out."

Seeing that she was about to cave, he put both bottles in one hand, and took her by the arm. "It'll be good for ya, I promise."

Surprised at herself, Kathryn allowed the slightly inebriated helmsman to guide her down the corridor.

As they walked into the holodeck, Tom called out, "Hey Neelix, pull up another chair. I found a stray poker shark in the corridor."

Neelix set the chair in place and turned to see who it was for. "Captain! Oh, how wonderful. Please, sit down."

Carrey grinned, and said to Tom, "So she's a poker shark, huh?"

"Best to assume so. Haven't you seen her play pool?"

Kathryn paused for a moment to take in how they had decorated their corner of the holodeck. A portable light hung above the table and gave good visibility to the cards and appetizers. A side table stood behind them with dishes, glasses, and various other things. There were two empty tables, and tall candle stands held an assortment of candles that set the boundary of the little games room. Someone even supplied bluesy background music. It felt homey.

Seeing that Kathryn was appreciating the ambiance, Susan Nicoletti spoke up. "The candles and music were my contribution. It felt pretty stark before."

"Nice touch."

"Thank you."

Kathryn eased herself into the chair next to Susan.

Susan spoke in a playful whisper. "The appetizers are good tonight. Don't be afraid to try them."

"I heard that," said Neelix.

Tom poured a round of drinks.

Kathryn smelled hers cautiously. "What is it?"

Tom grinned and sat down. "A little muscle relaxant and you could use some."

Kathryn narrowed her eyes at him.

Carrey smiled and said, "It's alright, Captain, its pretty mild."

Kathryn took a drink and Carrey dealt her in. At first she was a little uneasy, but after the first glass she relaxed some. It was nice to be among people who cared. Especially since the most they expected of her was to know that a full house doesn't beat a royal flush.

To her surprise her full house did lose to Carrey's royal flush. "What do you call that? Dealer's luck?"

Neelix joined in. "I'd be careful, Captain, if I were you. Where I come from questioning the dealer's luck can lead to your own bad luck."

Tom snorted. "She wasn't questioning it, Neelix, just pointing out that that was all it was: pure luck.Right Carrey?"

Carrey smirked at Tom and shrugged his shoulders.

"We've seen plenty of that alright." Susan said, as the cards were passed around again.

All nodded and were somber for a moment. In this way the group slowly bonded. Light humor, a simple distraction, and the occasional remark that touched on the deeper wound.

After a couple of weeks of playing and often winning, Kathryn set her hand down and fixed her gaze on the holodeck walls. She was usually nervous when the conversation delved deeper than the pleasant banter but this night she safer and spoke from her heart. "You really kept us alive with the places you'd create in here, Tom."

Susan and Neelix muttered their agreement and set down their hands. "It's true."

Tom swallowed hard and smiled. "I did what I could." Lifting his glass in a sloppy toast, he added, "Heck! We all did, Captain."

Kathryn rose from the table, put her hands on her hips and surveyed the dark room. "Has anyone taken a good look at what is wrong with this thing?"

"The holodecks? I had a look at the hologrid and the subsystems the first night I moved back aboard _Voyager_, but I was pretty discouraged that night."

"Carrey? What about you?"

He shook his head and rose from his chair. "There wasn't enough resources allocated to it to make it worth looking over. But I'm guessing I'm about to?"

"Care to go skiing anyone?" Kathryn waved her hands about the empty room.

"Or how about to Paris?" Susan imediately picked up on Kathryn's playful enthusiasm.

Tom folded his hand. "I'd be up for a game of pool."

Carrey nudged Tom's shoulder. "Should've known that inviting the captain would make for work."

Kathryn flashed him a wicked smile. "Oh no. This is going make for fun, you'll see."


	7. Chapter 7

Tom's head hurt and his arms felt like spaghetti. The combination of too much Mowasi "muscle relaxant", and the spontaneous work detail that Captain Janeway started in the holodeck left Tom doubly worse for wear for his morning shift. With all of two hours sleep he scratched his tousled head and as he as if on automatic pilot, he headed towards for his morning shift in sickbay.

B'Elanna and Nanton walked quickly down the corridor. The large pockets of Nanton's beige work clothes were stuffed with fabric rolled up like scrolls. As they walked, she pulled out one after another and showed them to B'Elanna. Once unrolled it was revealed that each fabric was a large glossy photos of from Shantix Three. Nanton presented them with an unusually chatty narrative.

B'Elanna didn't slow her pace and showed little more than polite interest until one in particular caught her eye. She started listening to Nanton.

"…This one here is a series of islands that were formed out of a coral reef before the Kantari ocean receded."

B'Elanna was captured by the picture. "Wow. I've never seen anything like that! That would be some pretty rugged climbing."

Engrossed in the photo, B'Elanna rounded a corner and collided with the hung over pilot. The photo was crumpled, but not as badly as it was after she slammed Tom against the wall.

"Ptaha!" B'Elanna growled at him and kept Tom pressed against the wall.

Tom's reflexes were slow, but he welcomed B'Elanna's close proximity. "Hey, B'Elanna," he said in a disarming tone, "Yeah, I'm sorry. I guess I'd just do anything to get close to you."

B'Elanna snorted.

His boyish eyes met her furious gaze. He playfully looked her over.

"Where is this?" Tom asked as he took note of the large photo plastered against his chest.

"None of your business." B'Elanna pulled the picture away from him and dropped both of her fists to her side. "Look at you. You're a mess." She sniffed and wrinkled her nose. "You smell like a targ that has been rolling in tlhol veQ!"

Tom gave her a lopsided grin and shrugged.

Sarcasm laced his words. "Nobody much cares what I do around here anymore. Not like one Maquis spitfire I know. Bet you never dreamed that you'd get to play Starfleet captain?"

"Play?" Hostility boiled in every word. "You're the only one demented enough to play around here, Tom Paris. And if you weren't acting like such a bum maybe more people would care about you did and give you some responsibilities."

Tom cut her off. "People? You mean your buddy, Chakotay?"

"Chakotay, me, whoever. The point is if you weren't screwing around wallowing in your own self-pity you'd see that there are people on this ship who'd like to rely on you."

"Rely on me? What the hell for? What good was I to you, B'Elanna? Zapped off the bridge and stuck in a Krenim cell playing lab rat for months on end."

"Tom, what does that have to do with anything? You're here now."

He stared at her blankly. Here now? Was he? He really didn't he feel like it. He backed down from the argument and began to walk away.

Muttering over his shoulder, he replied, "Yeah right. But what good is a pilot without a ship to fly?"

B'Elanna shook her head and muttered under her breath, "Hopeless." Then she turned around and ordered Nanton. "Don't ask! Not a word. I don't want to talk about it."

The tall, dark-haired alien stood with her head bowed low. She looked like she had retreated into herself for the duration of the argument.

Since she got no argument B'Elanna started walking, and Nanton followed a half a step behind.

"I'd rather slit someone's throat than talk about my feelings."

The wide-eyed alien sought to be as helpful and non-confrontational as possible. It was the Mowasi way. For the rest of the day Nanton expertly functioned as a buffer between B'Elanna and the combined _Voyager_ crew and Mowasi engineering team. With silent stealth like efficiency she intercepted many incoming reports. If proof reading a few padds was going to prevent blood shed in engineering, Nanton felt it was worth the effort.

Typically B'Elanna might have been offended by someone interfering with her work, but after all they'd been through, combined with the tremendous job before her, and the cold fury that the persistent memory of Tom's behaviour stirred, she decided to accept the help.

In sickbay Tom spent the day in the Jeffries tubes working on the rewiring. Exhausted, stressed, and stuck in there for many hours, his mind began to wander. The tube felt eerily like a Krenim observation chamber. Slowly, then more progressively, his mind began playing tricks on him. Working on the relays he'd become distracted by what he thought were lights running down the side of his torso. When he looked for them they weren't there, but the anger at being held by the Krenim against his will, prodded, and analyzed like an inhuman object rose from deep within. Tom did his best to shake it off and put his anger into his work.

A Mowasi worker about to test a subsystem needed to inform Tom of what he was about to do. He came to the Jeffries tube where Tom was working and said softly, "Lt. Paris?"

When Tom didn't respond the fellow casually tapped on one of Tom's shoes since his feet were sticking out of the entrance to the tube.

In response Tom kicked and hit the man forcefully in the groin, thrust himself out of the tube, took the man to the ground, and planted a knee on the Mowasi's torso. He was about to punch him in the head.

The Doctor hollered, "Lt. Paris!"

Tom slowed but didn't move from striking position. He appeared disoriented.

"Tom!" The Doctor continued urgently. "Tom?"

Tom let his hand relax.

Perceiving his state, the Doctor spoke firmly and calmly while Tom came to grips with his surroundings.

"You are in sickbay, Tom."

He slowly released his other hand from the man's throat.

"This man is no threat to us."

Tom lifted his knee off of his sternum and stood stunned.

"Uh… yeah, right. Um, sorry."

Tom offered the terrified fellow a hand up.

"I guess I …"

The Doctor interrupted his floundering attempt at offering an explanation, "I need to examine you. Now. Over here."

At the end of the engineering shift, one report arrived that Nanton couldn't field. The Doctor came down to personally deliver it but B'Elanna insisted she didn't have time to go to sickbay.

"I don't think you grasp the seriousness of Lt. Paris's condition."

The Doctor pushed himself between B'Elanna and the panel she was focused on as she tried to ignore him.

B'Elanna retorted, "I don't think you understand how low Tom will stoop to avoid responsibility, Doctor."

"Lieutenant! This is a diagnosed medical condition. You need to set aside your personal grudges and realize that Tom needs help."

"Look, you are the Doctor. If you think he needs medical leave, give it to him. If you think he needs treatment, you don't need my approval. Do what you need to, but don't hassle me with Tom Paris's antics."


	8. Chapter 8

Day 62

B'Elanna and Nanton climbed to the top of a cliff that over looked a diverse cluster of islands. B'Elanna whistled as she took in the sight. She was invigorated by the half-day climb.

Nanton brushed her long hair back from her face and dropped down to the ground. Studying the energetic woman from her spot on the rocks, Nanton saw that she'd have to adjust her strategy.

Nanton lay back against the rocks and stared at the sky, a trace of Shantix Three's rings were still apparent in the day light.

"Our physiology is very different."

B'Elanna tore herself from the picturesque view. Her host was perfectly exhausted.

"Oh… I'm sorry. I thought you were good with our pace."

"I've climbed that rock face more times than I can count." Nanton took a slow steadying breath. "Except it's always been a full day's climb."

B'Elanna rested one hand on her hip and put the other over her brow to block the sun. Both satisfied and self-conscious, she was unsure how to respond. She looked back out towards the sea.

Nanton propped herself up with her arms. "As I said, we have very different physiologies. For both of my races I am in exceptional physical condition, but obviously no match for a Klingon climbing partner."

"Half Klingon." B'Elanna corrected her.

"Half Klingon," Nanton repeated. "Well a half Klingon/half human can beat a three quarters Mowasi and one quarter Zahl up a mountain any day."

B'Elanna smiled and then the significance of Nanton's words struck her. "Zahl? Haven't they been the Mowasi's enemy?"

"Yes, the Zahl were the enemy of the Mowasi and their oppressors for centuries, until we managed to overthrow their spatial dominance just 40 years ago."

"You don't look any different."

Nanton smiled knowingly. "Not to you, but to every Mawasi I am obviously Zahl. My skin is darker and I'm two inches taller than a tall Mawasi woman."

B'Elanna was silent as she contemplated their similarities.

Nanton continued, "Which brings me to what I wanted to talk to you about -physiology."

B'Elanna snorted, "You climbed a mountain with me to talk to me about physiology!"

Nanton smirked. "I thought that after a good climb you'd be more subdued. And, once we're here there isn't anywhere you can go too quickly."

"Must be important."

Standing up and stretching out her weary limbs, Nanton replied, "Come this way."

She walked towards the other side of the cliff and down a natural incline, to a place more suitable to sitting. B'Elanna sat down beside her.

Gesturing with her hand to the coral island below, Nanton explained, "Most people come here to see that, but I come here as much to watch those." She pointed to the rings of Shantix Three.

B'Elanna stared at the rings as she listened to Nanton's story.

"The Zahl oppressed us, yes. My mother was the daughter of a young Mawasi girl who was assaulted by a Zahl soldier. That's all we know of her parents. My mother wasn't raised by them. She was placed in a charity school, a place where unwanted children are provided education and prepared for some kind of menial labor. Except my mother had a remarkable aptitude for engineering sciences, and her Zahl characteristics were less obvious than those of the average half-breed. She was even shorter and paler then I am. Her skills were brought to the attention of an eccentric aristocrat from the same family line as Chancellor Bergo. This aristocrat, named Nanton by the way, actually adopted her, and pulled many strings to have her educated in the finest of our schools."

"Sounds like a bold move."

"It was, but one that paid off for Bergo's family and the whole Mawasi race. It is ironic really." Nanton again glanced up to the rings.

"What's that?"

"It took a Zahl-Mawasi half-breed to come up with the strategy and technology to beat the Zahl. Physiology, you see." Nanton smiled ruefully. "The Mawasi throw terrific parties, make the best appetizers and cakes, and are likely the greatest architects in the universe, but they don't have an ounce of military strategy in them. My mother fell in love with a pilot assigned to defending the Mawasi perimeter. At that time, a Mawasi defense pilot's life lasted an average of three months beyond conscription, but my dad was both lucky and very good and always came back alive."

B'Elanna listened intently. All her defenses down, she realized this unusual woman had something for her to learn.

"The funny thing is that because the love of one man, my mother was instrumental in liberating an entire civilization."

"Wow. How did she do that?"

"Every time he was sent back out to the perimeter, she wouldn't sleep. She stayed up night after night improving the defense capabilities of our shuttles. Eventually, she developed an entirely new system of defense that utilized the rings surrounding each of our planets. It was a system that helped the pilots hide and made a single fighter as effective as four. There was a great deal of politics surrounding its implementation, but fortunately the Bergos pushed it through right before a major Zahl invasion." Nanton smiled. "We won. The Zahl invasion force was defeated and they completely retreated from Mawasi space. A year later I was born."

B'Elanna swallowed hard. "That's an incredible love story."

"It is. But you of all people need to understand the moral to the story. She used her physiological differences to make her lover and her people stronger. And many of those people still won't receive her. I'd never imagined meeting someone so capable of making the same difference, but here you are."

Nanton stood to face her friend. She looked B'Elanna, the woman, not the angry Klingon, in the eye and said, "You are ashamed of your physiology and angry at Tom for his. My parents had to accept they were different, or the Zahl-Mawasi war would have continued in our home."

B'Elanna's thought briefly of her own parents and their intolerance for each other. "It's about physiology and not personality," B'Elanna repeated. "And if I accept our differences…" B'Elanna thought of Tom's behaviour and winced.

Nanton finished the sentence, "Then those differences can be a source of strength."

"Maybe," B'Elanna replied. "Now this defensive system your mother designed. You haven't shown me this Mowasi technology before."

Nanton smiled. "No, I haven't. We pride ourselves in hospitality but that doesn't mean we serve up everything all at once."

"But, you decided to tell me about it now?"

"I think it can be adapted to _Voyager_, and since Bergo is so pleased with Chakotay's negotiations he gave me approval to show you this" Nanton pulled a small communicator out of her pocket and pressed a button. "I wanted to be sure I had your complete attention when I showed you this one," she said as they dematerialized.

They rematerialized in a military control center. Nanton briskly walked over to a nearby panel and tapped it. The screen before them lit up and presented a map of the solar system. She punched another button and over a hundred lights appeared in the many rings around the planets in the binary system.

"This is a defensive system that requires a very small crew to maintain. The Naka Jets are always on stand-by and very versatile. They can be used as missiles, or as jets that are optically controlled by a pilot. If we come under attack, we transport the pilots directly into space where they are surrounded by hidden jets, and then they assume control of the jets."

As she spoke she pulled up the specs on another screen. Next to the three dimensional view of the powerful missile jet was a representation of a pilots suit.

B'Elanna tapped the control panel and read the design specifications. "These are capable of withstanding more severe temperatures than any suit I've seen. An optronic relay in the helmet capable of taking commands from the pilot's eye or commands can be routed through a hand sensor relay. One pilot is capable of operating four jets at once?"

"Like this," Nanton said as she ran a simulation. "The suit fixes itself to one jet." The others are programmed to fly in formation. The pilot controls the one he is attached to through the hand relays, while he controls the back up missiles through the optronic relay. It does take some training, but soon they like controlling their own back up and we have a number of training maneuvers on file."

The simulation indicated that the pilot had been targeted by an enemy vessel.

"Virtually all target locking devices lock on the energy signature right?"

"Any we've encountered," B'Elanna replied.

"So when the hostile vessel is locked on the jet that our pilot is attached to he can disconnect. The jet becomes a missile and he sends it off in the direction of the hostile vessel. It and possibly even their own missile, if they can't break target, blows up in their vicinity or strikes them." Both simulations played out one after the other. "If it is safe to do so, the pilot can call another jet to himself with the optronic relay, and he can use it to fly home, or he can use the other three to fire on the hostile vessel. If this happens, his suit will sustain him for six hours, which in all instances has been time enough to retrieve our pilots."

B'Elanna muttered to herself, "Captain Proton is going to love this."

"Pardon?"

"Um, thank you. You're right. We can definitely use a system like this."


	9. Chapter 9

Day 80

Kathryn crawled out of bed and ordered a replicated coffee. Checking the time, she dressed and decided to take the coffee with her. She and B'Elanna met in Engineering regularly at 1900 hours.

When she entered engineering, B'Elanna spun around to greet her. "I can't wait for you to see this!"

"What? We've got a problem you're actually excited about?" Kathryn asked.

B'Elanna beamed. "Over here." Her fingers ran expertly across the panel and the schematic for the Naka defense system appeared.

Kathryn pondered the design. "Some kind of planetary defense system, I presume?"

"Exactly. But this planetary defense system is small enough to adapt to _Voyager, _and we can have it. We just need figure out how to integrate it into our systems

"You are going to equip _Voyager _with a planetary defense system?"

"It's our home isn't it? Why not give ourselves a new first line of defense?"

Janeway pursed her lips and considered its advantages. "And the Mawasi are just going to give it to us?"

B'Elanna shrugged. "Or Chakotay has earned it. I suppose it depends on how you look at it. Our crew has put in a lot of time tending to Mawasi interests."

"I supposed he has." Kathryn muttered and then changed the subject. "It's compact enough. Highly maneuverable." She nodded. "Ingenious design. I imagine flying one of these would be quite the experience."

"Here." B'Elanna tapped the console. "You need to see the pilot's suit. Check out the bat-wing design. Tom would just die for this."

"He hasn't seen it?"

"Not yet. I know it's a vital defense system, but it kind of feels like a special surprise for Tom."

Kathryn was about to enquire about their relationship when she heard someone clear his throat.

Tom came through the entrance. "Did I hear someone mention my name?"

"Hey!" B'Elanna tapped the console and the lights went out. "It's a surprise."

"Yes, it is. I mean ... I'm surprised that you want to surprise me and…" He furrowed his brow. "I'm sure I'll be surprised by whatever it is."

"So, what are you doing here?"

Tom fidgeted. "I was hoping to catch you at the end of your shift. I owe you an apology or two."

Kathryn discretely called up the schematic on a console farther from the lieutenants, where she continued to study the design.

Tom reached out and put a hand on B'Elanna's shoulder. "Look, I know I've been a jerk. I've been distant, moody-"

"Tom." B'Elanna cut him off. "The Doctor has been keeping me informed. I understand. It's been hard on all of us."

He cupped her chin with his hand. "I wanted to be there for you. But pulling away from you now because I wasn't there then is no way to handle it. I'm sorry."

"Apology accepted."

"What? Just like that? Don't you want to throw me against the wall first?"

"Oh, I did." B'Elanna's eyes flashed as she recalled her previous fury. "But, like I said, the Doctor has been keeping me posted. He's explained the diagnosis, and your progress with your treatments. I'm sorry, too. I didn't understand."

"B'Elanna, I need to know… is there still a chance for us?"

She looked over her shoulder to make sure that Kathryn was sufficiently preoccupied and then reached up to kiss him. She ended the kiss with a love bite that shocked him a little, and aroused him a lot. "You better believe it, flyboy."

Tom was about to wrap his arms around her waist when she pulled away and took his hand. "Come, I want you to take a look at this."

"Now?" Tom feigned a boyish pout. "What? The bat-wing thing?"

"You're going to love it. Captain Proton won't hold a candle to the rush you are going to feel in this."

Tom watched as the display screen illustrated the Naka operation.

"It rides like a crotch rocket." Tom commented.

"Excuse me?" B'Elanna laughed.

Kathryn looked up from her calculations and walked over to join them at their console. Both women waited on Tom to explain his latest expression.

"A crotch rocket." Tom repeated himself with great satisfaction. "It's the slang name for a type of twentieth century motorcycle. See, the rider sat in a similar position to the pilot in this jet. These were racing bikes with high speeds exceeding 200 km per hour, but this…" Tom pointed at the Naka jet. "This is a real…"

"Crotch rocket." B'Elanna finished the sentence with him.

"Exactly." He grinned.

"A little crude but an apt description."

"A perfect description."

Kathryn interjected, "I can't fathom giving the order: 'All hands to battle stations. Pilots man your crotch rockets."

They all laughed.

Tom "Well maybe not, but I can't wait to take one of these babies out for a spin."

B'Elanna replied, "You'll need to learn on the simulations first. It's too bad our holodecks are down. The Mawasi simulators are very poor compared to what we could create on the holodeck."

Tom and Kathryn shared a knowing glance.

B'Elanna looked at them both. "What?"

Kathryn's husky reply was to the point. "If you've got any bioneural gel packs to spare then the holodecks can be fixed tonight."

"Seriously?"

Tom looked a little sheepish.

"That's where you've been, isn't it? On the holodeck?"

He shrugged. "Come have a look."

* * *

Tuvok and Chakotay were briskly escorted out of the delegations with the Nihydron. With two escorts on each side, Chakotay grimaced and pushed back against the aggressive guards.

"What was that all about?" he muttered to Tuvok.

"I am uncertain, sir."

The Nihydron guards rounded a corner to a shuttle docking bay.

"Wait. I demand to know where you are you taking us?" Chakotay spoke to the man who appeared to be in charge.

"We are returning you to the Mawasi. Immediately."

"I need to contact my crew."

The guard did little to suppress his disdain as he took Chakotay down a short corridor. "Here." He opened the door and shoved Chakotay in.

Chakotay found a data entry pad for a comm. panel on the wall. He entered the correct coordinates to contact Harry and Seven, but seemed to get no results. Chakotay pounded the alien comm. panel on the wall and cursed it

Seven of Nine sat at the communications station on the Mawasi ship and frowned at the picture before her. The static cleared and the screen displayed Commander Chakotay's uniformed buttocks. Her eyebrow raised and she waited for the commander. He muttered curses and pounded on the wall. Her amusement gave way to concern.

"Commander? Are you in distress?"

"Seven?" He looked around. It took him a minute before he saw the viewscreen and crouched down to peer into it.

"Are you in distress?" she repeated her question.

He exhaled loudly. "No, but we are receiving immediate transportation back to Mawasi space. You don't need to come get us."

"The negotiations did not go well?"

"You could say that. This may be the only communication they grant me before throw us out of here. Let _Voyager_ know we're on our way home."

"Aye, sir."

"Have you tracked anymore escape pods, Seven?"

"Indeed. We've found four escape pods and crew. All are in good health. We are tracking the warp signature of a Baxial class shuttle."

"You think it may be Neelix's ship?"

"It is highly unlikely that there is another shuttle class Talaxian in this region of space."

"Ayala was piloting that when we evacuated. Be careful, Seven they'll be on the defensive."

"Understood."

The door behind Chakotay opened and their communication was cut off.

The guard grabbed Chakotay by the arm. "Your transport vessel has arrived."

Chakotay was taken to where Tuvok was waiting. The remainders of the Mawasi delegates had been rounded up and were also awaiting transport.

* * *

When Tom, B'Elanna, and Kathryn arrived on the holodeck the poker crew was working hard on the repairs.

B'Elanna stood at the door and took in the odd environment. Drinks and refreshments sat on the table. The makeshift ambiance had all the touches of Tom Paris. The few workers, with the exception of Neelix, were obviously somewhat inebriated but hard at work all the same. She took note of who they were and understood why they had been so sloppy for her on their dayshifts. Tom poured himself and Kathryn a drink and at that moment the scene appeared entirely too surreal. This hideaway did seem very "Tom Paris," but Captain Kathryn Janeway casually working and drinking with an inebriated crew? What had they come to?

"Can I get you a glass?" Tom poured a glass and held it out to B'Elanna.

B'Elanna glanced at a couple of people who were looking over their shoulder at her. Funny, she felt like the one out of place in this odd picture.

"Sure." She shrugged and walked in casually.

The crew relaxed as she took the drink.

"I've got my surprises, too. We're nearly done." Tom grinned.

Neelix came over to greet B'Elanna. He patted Tom on the back and spoke to B'Elanna. "Just think of it! You'll be relaxing at my Talaxian resort tonight."

Behind them Carey snorted and nudged Susan with his elbow. "That's if B'Elanna will let him."

"Yeah, no offense, Neelix, but that was never a huge favorite with B'Elanna." Tom wrapped an arm around her waist. "I'm thinking of coming up with something fresh. Something very Alpha Quadrant."

"Oh?"

"We're doing Sandrine's, aren't we?" Carey asked.

"Sandrine's has my favourite table in the galaxy, but I was thinking of something more interstellar. A place that'd appeal to the whole crew, more Risa style."

"I love Risa. I can't wait." Susan replied.

"Well, B'Elanna, can we have those gel packs?" Kathryn asked.

"Um, sure." B'Elanna looked around the room and whistled. "Good job everybody. Tom, help me get them."

Kathryn worked along with the nightshift on the holodeck while Tom and B'Elanna took suspiciously far too long to get back. There was enough work to do, so their absence was more entertaining to the crew than anything else. It was nearly 0430 when all the gel packs were finally installed.

Kathryn pulled her head out of the last panel when Neelix said, "Hey, everybody I have an idea!"

"What's that, Neelix?" she asked.

"It's early enough for breakfast. Come on and I'll cook everyone up some blueberry waffles."

Carey, Tom, and Susan all expressed their pleasure at the idea and even Kathryn was tempted.

"Blueberries?" Kathryn stood up. "Real blueberries?"

"Yes, Captain. Come on and you'll see. They are blue and they are berries, and they taste much better than the replicated version." Neelix grinned at B'Elanna because she knew where they came from.

Kathryn hesitated.

Tom announced, "Everybody who comes gets to be in on the next holoprogram I create."

"Come on, Captain." B'Elanna nudged her. "We can't leave Tom to his own devices."

* * *

Seven turned to Harry. "We are no longer needed to transport Chakotay's delegation to Mawasi prime."

Harry stood behind Seven with his hands on his hips."Good. We can continue our pursuit of Ayala."

Seven tried contacting _Voyager. _"As we fly deeper into the center of this system, the solar flares are jamming our long range communications. I cannot contact _Voyager. _We should reverse course to where I can get a signal."

"Negative. Let's give her a call when we have a little more to report."

Seven raised an eyebrow. "The safety of four of _Voyager's _crew, including our youngest, and Chakotay's change of schedule, is sufficient reason to report."

"Perhaps, but not reason enough to risk losing Ayala."

"It is safe to presume they've been hiding in this region of space for months."

The smallish viewscreen on the transport vessel crackled with solar activity.

"Look." Harry pointed to an object rapidly gaining in size in the upper left corner of the screen. "Is it them?"

Seven tried to scan the object, but at its rapid intercept course the scan was unnecessary.

The Baxial shuttle was clearly coming towards them in an attack formation.

A female voice crackled over the communication system. "Mawasi transport vessel. State your identity and purpose."

The Baxial shuttle flew in a continuous rollover diveshot and fired a single shot. The Mawasi ship shook badly but the shot made its target and only disabled the weapons array.

Harry clung to the conn and hollered back, "Hickman? Ensign Hickman! This is Harry Kim of the Starship _Voyager_. Please break off your attack. We are here to find you."

In the middle of Harry's plea, the Baxial shuttle pulled out of its dive.

"Establishing visual communications." Seven reported.

On the viewscreen, a dozen members of _Voyager's_ crew appeared before them. They wore a barely identifiable Starfleet uniform, tattered, and combined with some local clothing.

Ayala stood in front of them. "Hi, Harry. It's good to finally see a friendly face. Sorry about your weapons system but you know what its like."

Harry's mouth opened and closed again. He glanced sideways at Seven. "Uh. Sure." He finally shrugged.

Ayala continued, "Where's _Voyager_? Hey, you got a fair bit a room on the vessel don't you? We sure are crowded here." He grinned proudly. "So far we've picked up crew from ten escape pods."

"_Voyager_ in undergoing repairs in space dock on Mawasi Prime. Our mission is to retrieve our crew. We have accommodations and plenty of rations. We can transport you over as soon as you are ready." Harry hesitated and then added, "Oh and Ayala, please come over unarmed."

The crew aboard the Baxial chuckled and Ayala respond, "Yeah, sure thing."

The viewscreen returned to normal space.

Seven spoke to Harry. "I think there is an earth adage that applies here."

"Oh?"

"Properly adapted I think it would be, 'You can take the man out of the Maquis'…"

Harry grinned and ended the saying, "But you can't take the Maquis out of the man."

"Indeed."

Harry stretched out his arms. "I, for one, am glad he's on our side."

* * *

After dropping a few tools off in engineering, B'Elanna arrived in the mess hall behind everyone else. When the door opened, she smirked at the sight of Tom and Joe rummaging through food supplies, much to Neelix's irritation. Kathryn was sitting at a table with her back to B'Elanna and Susan was facing towards the door.

B'Elanna was about to join them when Neelix over lit the gas element. Flames flew up so that they could hardly see Neelix through the burst. Kathryn shot out of her chair and made a loud gasp. When the flames quickly subsided, Kathryn steadied herself with the table.

B'Elanna froze mid step just staring. Startled by the change in her captain, she was unsure how to help.

"Captain," Susan's voice broke the tension. She reached for Kathryn's arm. "Captain, it's okay."

Kathryn stirred at Susan's touch and looked her way.

"You can sit down. The fire startled you."

Kathryn sank back in her chair.

"It's okay, Captain. I've the same kind of reaction to things sometimes."

Kathryn pressed a hand against her temple. "Thank you, Susan, but call me Kathryn. In case you haven't noticed, I'm no longer in command of anything."

B'Elanna winced and took a quiet step back.

"I… I don't know if I can do that, ma'am," Susan stuttered.

Kathryn rolled her eyes. "Try." Her tone was sharp.

Susan stammered, "Kathryn. I… I was saying…" She stopped and looked directly at her former commanding officer then blurted out the rest. "The fire. It reminded you of something, didn't it? Something bad from the Krenim attacks. I know what that's like. They were testing the red and yellow alerts last week and I threw up every time. I felt like an idiot and didn't want anyone to know. But every time they sounded I could see… I could see..." She shuddered. "Never mind. It's just that one simple thing could bring back such vivid memories of it all. Is that what happened to you just now?"

As Susan was speaking Tom swaggered over to them, and sat down next to Kathryn. He put a supportive arm over her shoulder.

The physical tension was apparent in Kathryn's face and neck. She nervously clutched the table with one hand. "Yes. We were hiding in a nebula. Never before had any space ship felt like a piece of tin separating me from quick and instant death in space. There was a fire aboard _Voyager, _and I had to dive into the middle of it, or the few of us left would've quickly froze in space."

Tears fell from Susan's eyes as she squeezed Kathryn's hand. B'Elanna swallowed hard, but she didn't move until she was nudged by Joe Carey who was trying to get past her and out the door.

Susan inquired, "You dove into a fire? That's how you got those burns isn't it?"

Kathryn nodded and cleared her throat to answer. "I always thought we'd pull through. Even when we evacuated _Voyager_ I figured… I hoped we'd recover everyone, but at that moment, it was all too hard. It was too much. Then I knew I failed."

Tom squeezed Kathryn's shoulder and B'Elanna finally walked around the table to join them. Sitting down beside Susan, she paid careful attention to her captain. Kathryn seemed different. Ghostlike, as if part of her was gone, or somehow numb to the rest of them.

Kathryn spoke, but almost not to anyone in particular. "I made it through the fire. I was alive, somehow. So, I couldn't give up. I still have people to find, but I failed them. Failed them."

Tom's hung his head low.

Susan's voice was strong. "Look at me."

Kathryn made eye contact with the younger woman.

Swelling with emotion, Susan replied, "You did a good job. You did a damned good job."

Kathryn took a deep breath and looked at B'Elanna and Tom for the first time. She fidgeted and looked away.

Neelix served blueberry waffles and tried to add a gentle cheeriness to the room, but they all ate quietly.

Kathryn rose before finishing half her plate. "Thank you."

She rested a hand on Tom's shoulder and extended her other to Neelix, squeezing his hand she added, "The waffles were delicious."

Nodding to Susan, "And the company has been comforting, but my head is killing me."

Tom rose from the table. "You come by sickbay if it is bothering you too long."

Kathryn paused at the door and spoke gently. "Tom, it's been too long already."

"Then I'll see you later today or I'll come get you."

Kathryn frowned.

"We really can help you."

"You are helping, Tom."

The door closed behind her.

B'Elanna let out a deep breath. "You have been helping her. I didn't see it at the beginning of this night, but I can see it now."


	10. Chapter 10

They stood outside deflector control and watched the flames.

Tom whistled. "So you took that," he pointed at the broken piece of metal, "and tried to shield yourself against those flames?"

Kathryn stared at the fire. "I never realized _Voyager_ was so fragile. I believed in this ship, that she'd carry us through anything. But…" She was lost in the flames.

"Computer, remove fire," Tom commanded.

The flames disappeared and Kathryn looked back at Tom.

"What happened next?" he asked.

"I was unconscious." Kathryn shrugged. "When I awoke the Doctor was treating me, and that's when he tried to relieve me of command."

"Is that something we need to recreate? I'm sure I could compile something using both of your logs." Tom folded his arms and leaned against a wall in the burnt holographic corridor.

"No, that won't be necessary. The Doctor's opinions don't trouble me. But Seven of Nine…" Kathryn's voice trailed off.

"What about Seven?"

Kathryn's jaw twitched. Obviously her thoughts were far off.

"Captain, what about Seven?"

"She questioned my judgment and, Tom, I think she was right." Kathryn looked up at her supportive helmsman.

He squeezed her shoulder. "We'll see about that."

"She thought we should stay in the nebula. If we had, we would never have been pummeled by those micrometeoroids."

"If you had stayed in the nebula, you wouldn't have made those alliances with the Mawasi and Nihydron in time. The fact that you pushed through, even through this fire, is what stopped the Krenim. You were ready when we called you, if you weren't none of this would be over."

She smiled faintly. "You might be right, Tom. Thank you."

"Might be?" He guffawed. "You know I am."

Kathryn paused and studied Tom. There was not a trace of blame in his eyes. No judgment for her weakness.

"You need anything else here?" he asked. "The Doctor has peer support groups going for other crew members who've shown similar symptoms. He has fretted some about not having any peers for you. There's just a shortage of Starfleet captains that have gone through sheer hell in this quadrant." He grinned at her.

"I'm certain that that is a good thing," Kathryn replied.

"Yes, but it leaves you very alone. So, if I can help?" Tom shrugged. "You've given us your best, Captain." His eyes started to water. "Just let me know if I can do anything."

Kathryn took his hand in both of hers. "If you say going through this recreation will help, then I'm willing to give it a try."

Tom knew his next words were on the verge of crossing a boundary, but he cared too much not to speak. "I just don't like to see you go through this alone." He looked around at the burnt out ship.

"Tom," Kathryn's tone was firm and professional. "I've been through this alone once already." Now her eyes got misty. "If there's any damage to be done by all this, it's been done already."

"But you'll call if you need anything?"

"Yes."

Tom replied with a heavy sigh and exited the holodeck.

Kathryn stood alone in the replicated shell of _Voyager_ to face, for a second time, the year of hell.

* * *

Chakotay sought B'Elanna out in her personal work space. "How's it coming along?"

B'Elanna startled from her console. "Chakotay, back from your trip as interstellar diplomat?"

They exchanged a smile as he leaned against the console and comfortably folded his arms.

"So? Fill me in." Chakotay appeared casual, even cheerful.

"As well as it could be. Better, actually." B'Elanna leaned back in her chair and listed their accomplishments. "

He leaned against "Care to give me a brief report?"

B'Elanna sat back in her chair and thought for a moment. "The warp-core is online. The structural damage to the outer hull on all decks has been repaired, although only sickbay is fully functional on deck 5. We are running on our own life support, but the Mawasi have space dock's life support on stand by. The deflector array and one holodeck are fully operational. The computer's internal sensors are offline, but we only have a limited number of bio-neural gel-packs. Until we get the precise components to replicate more gel-packs, most work details have been redirected to repairing bulkheads."

"Sounds like you've done an incredible job. Will my quarters be done any time soon?" Chakotay gave her a big grin.

"Do you want me to make it a priority?"

The turbo-lift opened and Nanton Mordan joined them. "Commander Chakotay. I'm glad I found you. The Chancellor was hoping you could join us for dinner this evening."

"Yes, B'Elanna, make that a priority." He stood and B'Elanna watched Chakotay tense up. "Should we join him now or do you need to meet with Lt. Torres."

"No, Commander. I came here looking for you." Her tone was too aristocratic for the old friends she was interrupting.

"That'll be all." Chakotay rested a hand on B'Elanna's shoulder as he passed her. "Thanks Bel," he said more quietly.

With a gentlemanly gesture towards Nanton and the turbo-lift doors, he replied, "After you."

* * *

Kathryn heard that Chakotay was aboard _Voyager,_ but he didn't come to see her. She paced in her quarters. She tried to distract herself reviewing B'Elanna's latest revised systems specifications. As the evening went on she thought about searching the ship for him. In the end she went to engineering as always where B'Elanna informed her that he left the ship with Nanton.

Kathryn threw herself into another hard night's work. She was going to repair as many of the ship's internal sensors as possible, even if it meant rewiring _Voyager's _circuitry. But _Voyager _resisted all her creative efforts, and finally in the early hours of the morning, Kathryn ventured into the holodeck.

As she expected, the poker crew had vacated, and Kathryn was free to call up her own program. Tom was thorough in recreating most of the year for her.

"Set stardate to 51268.4." May 20th she thought. Kathryn made a log entry that morning, so the holo-reconstruction of _Voyager_ was remarkably precise.

She sighed as the bridge of _Voyager _materialized in a shambles. She looked for holographic image and sat down next to where she worked. In silent mourning she watched her own persistence. Just as she'd programmed, Chakotay walked in.

This time, unlike her terse manner in real time, she watched him carefully. He was ruggedly handsome in his unkempt state. She studied the holographic facial features. It was a good representation of his mood and his demeanor.

"Happy birthday."

A pensive Kathryn watched herself respond. "Happy what?"

"Today is May 20th."

"Is it? I thought we were still in April. Guess I've lost track of the time."

"Well this should help." Chakotay offered her the gift.

"It's beautiful."

It was beautiful and she was again touched by the gift. Her heart ached as she saw his care for her. She never wanted to admit it, but Kathryn knew her first officer was smitten with her. How else would he remember something this personal and have such a special gift made for her?

"Nineteenth century, mechanical movement. It's a replica of the chronometer worn by Captain Cray of the British Navy, His ship was hit by a typhoon in the Pacific. Everyone back in England thought they were killed, but eight months later, Cray sailed his ship into London harbour. There wasn't much left of it, a few planks, half a sail, but he got his crew home."

"I appreciate the sentiment, but I can't keep this. Recycle it. Can't afford to waste energy on nonessentials." Kathryn swallowed hard and stared at herself. Did she really look as unfeeling as that?

"Kathryn, I replicated this months ago. I've been saving it. I wanted you to have it."

He loved her and Kathryn knew she hurt him… again. She watched herself, almost as if in shock. She was too unaccustomed to concerning herself with Chakotay's feelings.  
"That watch represents a meal, a hypospray, or a pair of boots. It could mean the difference between life and death one day."

Chakotay walked away, shot down by Kathryn one more time.

Kathryn sat on the floor, leaned against the base of the console. She closed her eyes and faced the sick feeling inside her. How many times has this scene between them been repeated in one way or another since they were thrown together in the delta quadrant?'

"Computer display stardate 51684.2."

Kathryn watched _Voyager's _bridge transform to the end of its beating. She sat beneath the command chair, just like she told Tom. But the scripting for her conversation with Chakotay, she entered after Tom was gone.

Chakotay materialized on the bridge. This time he was clean and healthier looking.

"Kathryn," he gasped.

The holo-Kathryn stood before him in a tank top stained by _Voyager's _beating.

Chakotay saw the watch hanging at her waist. "You found it," he said.

"You disobeyed a direct order," she said flatly.

"I did," he acknowledged quietly.

"Thank you… I needed it."

The real Kathryn felt so many emotions swell up inside herself as she heard herself thank him.

Chakotay approached to embrace holo-Kathryn. "You did it, Kathryn. You did it."

Kathryn studied him and knew that he wanted to hug her. Maybe even more… She knew that she didn't let him because she was afraid to feel.

"Not much of a victory," the holo-Kathryn snapped.

Again she watched the man she loved take another lashing. He properly responded as her first officer, and Kathryn couldn't stand to watch it.

"Computer, end program."

She stood alone in the empty holo-grid. Now when she wanted to feel, wanted to cry, she didn't know how.

"Damn it," she whispered as she walk off the holo-deck.


	11. Chapter 11

Day 120

Chakotay walked into the darkened holodeck. As his eyes adjusted to the lighting of the pub, he could see the crew enjoying a new program. Making out the bar, he headed towards it to order a drink. He recognized this place, but it felt so out of context it took him a few minutes to remember.

"Name your poison." A sensuous female hologram offered to take his order.

Chakotay hesitated, he hadn't actually thought about what he wanted. "What do you recommend?"

She looked him up and down and replied, "I know what you like."

A moment later she set a mug down, winked, and went off to serve another customer.

Chakotay smirked. No doubt she was another of Tom Paris's creations. Chakotay was thankful that two crewman at the other end of the bar wanted to keep her busy. He stood alone and watched the crew. Taking a swig of his mug he remembered the flavor from Risa. It was a good choice.

The flavor helped him place the bar. It was a loose replica of a bar on a Betazed space station that the Maquis sometimes frequented. The owner was the middleman for an influential sympathizer who provided the Maquis a substantial amount of supplies. Chakotay smiled ruefully. Tom wouldn't know all the details, but the irony of his Starfleet crew finding solace in a bar that treated his Maquis so well couldn't escape Chakotay.

Kathryn, sitting in a darkened booth, watched Chakotay enter. She couldn't take her eyes off him.

B'Elanna nudged her. "You could go say 'hi' or ask him to join us."

Without a word, Kathryn rose from her seat and walked over to the commander's side. Chakotay stood straight and was dressed in uniform, but Kathryn wore a Risan style outfit. He saw her approaching him.

Her top was made of a loose blousy fabric with a broad neckline. The material silhouetted her petite form, and her skirt, a straight cut wrap around, exposed one leg when she walked. Her walk was un-captain like and a little unsteady. Chakotay took a deep breath, and Kathryn was pleased that his facial expression told her she made an impact. She smiled warmly and leaned against the bar beside him.

In a sultry voice she said, "Good evening, Commander."

He took another drink from his mug and looked at her side ways over the rim. Setting the mug down, he was amused at his own nervousness. His dimples danced, as he said, "Kathryn … you look … awfully relaxed."

She patted his arm and laughed. "Isn't it wonderful?" She flipped her hair and looked in his eyes. "I don't think I've ever been so care free."

"Is that what you call it? Care – free?" Chakotay's tone was dead sober.

The question challenged her and threatened to burst her artificial high. She batted her lashes at him, and took hold of his arm. She replied firmly, "I do."

"That's not what I call it."

She rolled her eyes. "I don't care what you call it."

Chakotay snickered at the abrupt command tone that came out of the sultry intoxicated woman. 'She's born to command,' he thought to himself, 'and she'll be back in charge, all in good time.' His eyes softened as he forgave this brief indiscretion.

She put a single hand on his arm and studied him for a moment. He looked so Starfleet. His stood tall, his shoulders were square, and his uniform perpetually immaculate; but he was so tense. She smiled to herself. Yes, he looked like the epitome of a Starfleet captain. He was the only person in the room on yellow alert. A single finger traced his tattoo over his brow. Kathryn saw concern for entire civilizations in the tension lines around his eyes.

She was used to being in his physical space, but the intoxicants in her system were a motivating force of their own. Kathryn did not realize just how clinging and physical she'd become until Chakotay stiffened in response to her bare leg running up the back of his calf.

His eyes shot down to follow its movement. His eyes widened as he watched Kathryn's bare leg moving against his uniform. He closed his eyes and let out a faint moan, and tried to contend with the intoxicating biochemical reaction that just took place in his brain.

"Kathryn, please." He spoke quietly.

"You're too tense, Commander." Her hand ran through his hair.

"I've been busy." Chakotay swallowed hard and forced his mind out of this purely delicious moment, trying to focus on the bigger picture.

"Poor, Chakotay. You should have another pip for all the hard work you've been doing."

He listened carefully and thought, 'Was there a trace of bitterness in her tone?'

Her fingertips traced around his ear and down to his collar. She fiddled with the Maquis command bar. "Four pips would look handsome on you."

Her voice was husky but she couldn't hide the pain in her voice and Chakotay focused on the pain he heard to regain control. His heart was pounding. Every portion of skin that felt her touch cried 'yes' to her sensual feminine invitation, but he steeled himself against the temptation.

Kathryn from so many other days came to his mind. Kathryn on new earth was filled with sweetness and tenderness. Kathryn on Lake George overwhelmed him by her innocent deep need for his friendship. He regarded Kathryn in her ready room and marveled at her resolve to get this ship home. He saw hints of her desire for him over dinner so many times, but he also knew that being intimate with him would feel like a failure to Kathryn. He didn't agree with it, but he knew she'd regret it. He never wanted his desire for her to bring her shame.

Looking at her now, Chakotay saw Kathryn in her weakness. Beautiful but weak. He wanted her yes, but he wanted all of her back. He preferred snappy command tones to her seduction laced with pain.

He knew he was going to have to put a stop to this but Kathryn's soft warm skin so close to him felt so good. He loved her so much. Placing a hand at the base of her neck, he leaned forward to smell her hair. It was the only brief indulgence that Chakotay intended to allow himself before putting a stop to what was becoming a shocking show for the crew.

Kathryn perceived his response as yielding to her seduction. In a fluid motion she placed herself between him and the bar. Both arms and one leg were clung to him. Kathryn's full-bodied proposition to Chakotay rapidly gained the attention of the entire room.

Chakotay grabbed her hand. He stretched her arm out wide and pinned her hand down on the bar. He caught her other hand moving up his side and pinned it down, too. Then he abruptly placed his own legs in a wide 'at ease' stance, and her leg could not remain entwined around him.

His greater size allowed him to restrain her against the bar and prevent any further physical advances, although they remained in close proximity.

Kathryn giggled deliciously at his forceful reaction and her lucid feminine form didn't resist his hold.

Chakotay was shocked. He expected indignation or redheaded fury but not this reaction. Neither from her, nor himself. A second wave of desire went through him like a narcotic. It felt instinctive but now it was mixed with anger at her for toying with his love.

"You want me, Kathryn?" He purposely spoke loud enough for the gaping crew members to hear. All eyes were on this spectacle.

Kathryn looked up into his eyes and smiled sensuously. "Ssh, Chakotay," she giggled.

But Chakotay wasn't playing games. He spoke forcefully. "Let me tell you how to get what you want. Get up in the morning. Face reality. Face this past year so you we can move past it. Then you're going to put those pips back on and take this ship from me. And if you still want me then, Kathryn, when you are in command…" He hesitated only a second then continued speaking as loudly as when he began his speech, "then, I'll give you what you want and I'll make up for all the years you wouldn't let yourself have it."

A fleeting crooked smile punctuated his pleasure at the idea. He let her go and took a step back. Kathryn held herself up against the bar and watched him, stunned.

His tone softened, "But you know it can't be like this. You, of all people, know that."

Kathryn sobered as she recognized the burden of command, and the loneliness in his eyes. For the first time since the destruction of the Kremin time ship, she wondered how he was and what struggles he was facing. He'd been there to share her burdens. But now he was the one stressed, and in a room full of people, he was the one completely alone. Except when she was in command he offered her refuge and instead of refuge she toyed with him.

"Chakotay, I… I'm so sorry."

They maintained eye contact for a moment longer. Kathryn apologizing in front of a room full of people was not a small thing. He realized that despite her drunkenness, she still saw into him and saw his need. He looked to the floor, and muttered, "Good night, Kathryn."

Chakotay strode towards the door and everyone between him and the door quickly moved out of the way.

Kathryn looked around at the room full of people still staring at her. She turned around, cursed, and stared down at the bar in front of her.

Susan Nicoletti, rose from her chair in an unsightly drunken attempt to come to Kathryn's rescue. Walking across the room, she spoke loudly and carelessly, "Hey! Now that sounds like one hell of a plan to me."

Placing an arm around Kathryn, she asked, "Don't you like the Commander's idea?"

Kathryn was paralyzed. She didn't know how to respond. How did she get herself here? Relieved of command, drunk, and publicly propositioning her first officer.

Susan shook her gently. "Oh come on! It's got to sound good to you."

Tom Paris placed a hand on Susan's shoulder, and she looked up at him.

"Let's get her out of here."

B'Elanna stood at Kathryn's other side and said, "We'll walk you home. Come on, Kathryn."

Kathryn allowed B'Elanna to guide her. Susan took her other arm and Tom followed the three women.

* * *

The next morning Kathryn did get up. She even dressed in full uniform 


	12. Chapter 12

The ready room door chimed promptly at 0700.

"Come," Chakotay commanded as he glanced up from a padd.

The Doctor entered and Tom Paris followed in behind him. Chakotay stiffened and retorted, "What is he doing here?"

"You made it clear that you wanted to thoroughly question me on Captain Janeway's medical condition. I want make every possible answer available to you at this briefing. The best way do to that is to have Lt. Paris in attendance. He has been instrumental in helping the captain with her condition."

Chakotay's chair banged against the desk as he rose and to confront Tom. "What?"

Scorn and disgust distorted Chakotay's face. "Yes, I think I saw some of your help last night! Lt., I couldn't help but notice that while the rest of the room was drinking synthohol your table was getting bombed on something quite different. What the hell was that, Tom?"

Tom cleared his throat and answered, "Uh yeah, that, believe it or not, is a Mawasi narcotic. It's nothing like that weak wine they've served us everywhere. A bartender offered me some for pain one night." Tom shrugged, "It tasted fine and did the trick. I shared a little and had no idea it'd become so popular with the ladies."

Chakotay wondered if he needed any more reason to punch Tom, but he still needed answers. He stood in front of his desk and so close to Tom that it looked like he was going to throw Tom against the wall at any moment.

Chakotay turned to the Doctor and demanded, "Explain the effects of this narcotic."

The Doctor stuttered. Distracted by the tension between the two men, he blurted out, "Is there something I should know about before this meeting continues?"

Chakotay pressed his hand against his brow and stared at the Doctor with a sarcastic amused expression. "You mean to tell me that you don't know?"

The Doctor looked hopelessly blank. "Yes."

Chakotay took a deep breath. "Last night Captain Janeway, plied full of Tom's Mawasi narcotic, blatantly propositioned me in the middle of a crowded holodeck."

"And I didn't hear about this?" the Doctor said, immediately indignant that he missed such a juicy piece of gossip. "You didn't tell me," he spoke to Tom.

Tom stood with his hands on his hips and stared at the floor. He sighed and looked up at Chakotay, who towered over him. "Look, can we sit down and talk this through from the beginning. Maybe the muscle relaxant wasn't a good idea but there is more than that that you should know about."

"How come I didn't hear about this? What happened?" the Doctor glanced from Tom to Chakotay.

Tom shook his head at the insecure sounding hologram. "Relax, Doctor. That happened less than six hours ago. The rumor mill hasn't even had a chance to wake up yet."

"Can we sit?" Tom repeated to Chakotay.

Chakotay, ignoring the Doctor, and obviously lost in thought replied more calmly this time. "Yeah, we can sit." He gestured them to the sofa area, "Coffee?"

"Please." Tom answered soberly.

Tom sat down and Chakotay went to the replicator.

Tom began talking, "As you know after our year of hell fighting the Krenim I had some of my own problems. One day I just about beat the living daylights out of a Mawasi engineering assistant because I mistook him for a Krenim doctor." Tom swallowed hard, "Doc was there and after he diagnosed me we set to work examining different treatments for post traumatic stress."

Chakotay interjected as he handed Tom a coffee and sat down across from him. "Tom I received some of the Doctor's reports in my travels and I want you to know," Chakotay paused and waited for Tom to look him in the eye. "They didn't put me through any of that."

Tom winced and bowed his head again.

Chakotay continued, "Maybe because of my higher rank? Or because they felt they only needed to test one of us. But Tom, when I read the reports and saw what you went through, I want you to know that I regretted not understanding then."

Tom nodded and continued. "Virtually all the techniques we found required revisiting the trauma in a therapeutic manner: journaling, guided questions, and even flooding the patient with the same negative stimuli that caused the trauma."

"Why is that, Doctor?" Chakotay asked.

"As long as the trauma remains unresolved, portions of it remain active in the patient's psyche, like sign posts, if you will, reminding the patient they need to go back and deal with something" The Doctor perked up at his spontaneous analogy that communicated a complex bio-neural process. "Any similarities in the present can trigger full blown flashbacks, or at the very least, serve as a constant reminder and cause constant emotional distress. The individual needs to deal with and resolve the trauma for the various signposts to cease."

Tom interjected. "And the captain couldn't even begin this process as long as she'd only talk technical specifications. She needed to let her guard down, to trust, to just 'be' for a while. I invited her to hang out on the holodeck with a few of us and she came. Then one day Neelix's cooking, the fire that is, triggered a flashback and we were there. She agreed to get help, and since we had just got the holodeck running, Kathryn… the captain and I have been meeting on the holodeck and recreating some of her experiences."

"I never received any updates on this." Chakotay replied.

"We didn't record it as 'medical treatment.' Kath… the captain didn't want that."

The Doctor supported Tom. "Lt. Paris and I discussed this and I agreed that it would be best to log these holo-sessions but not to file reports on them as 'treatment' per se until the captain was more comfortable with the process."

"How long has this been going on?"

Tom shrugged, "Around a month, forty days maybe."

The number struck him hard. Chakotay looked ill. "Forty days? I've been tied up in negotiations so long that I missed forty days of Kathryn seeking help?"

He didn't expect an answer but Tom replied, "You've missed a lot more than that."

"Excuse me?"

"If you knew how she was, you wouldn't have put taking back command on her like you did last night."

Chakotay remembered that he wanted to punch Tom. "Oh? And what would I have done Lt?"

"You would have accepted her and realized that she might not be able to meet your expectations."

"My expectations? Were you listening? My entire response to her was according to how I've always understood Captain Janeway's expectations."

"Exactly." Tom looked a little too smug.

"So now you are a therapist." Chakotay snorted, "Dismissed, both of you. I expect to see you in the treaty negotiation briefing at 1000 hrs."


	13. Chapter 13

When the Doctor returned to sickbay he was shocked to see Captain Janeway, in uniform, waiting for him on one of the biobeds.

"Captain! Good morning." He promptly approached the biobed. "I wasn't expecting you."

"Doctor," she said, using his name as a greeting, "I'm not excited about being here, but it seemed like the place to start."

"Start?" the Doctor inquired.

"Working with you," Kathryn replied flatly.

"Oh, Captain, that is wonderful to hear. We'll begin with a physical examination, and then I have a series of psychological assessments for you to go through; from there we'll develop a plan to help you overcome this condition." The Doctor crossed the room to pick up a couple of PADDs. He asked, in a casual manner, "So what motivated you to come in this morning?"

"I decided it was time."

He returned to her side, set the PADDs down, and picked up the medical tricorder. He winced at the medical scan readings; the combination of barbiturates and stimulants still in her soft tissue disturbed him. Given their delicate relationship, the Doctor resisted lecturing Kathryn on the tricorder results, but she studied his face and easily imagined what the tricorder indicated. Setting aside the tricorder, he placed a sensor on each of her temples and began a scan of neural activity.

Curiosity won out over tact and the Doctor politely inquired, "Did your decision have something to do with a small public indiscretion, perhaps?"

Kathryn closed her eyes and clenched the biobed with both fists. "You heard."

"From the proverbial horse's mouth," he arched an eyebrow briefly to punctuate his pithy reply.

"Excuse me?"

"Commander Chakotay called me to his ready room first thing this morning to inquire about your condition. He'll be pleased to know that you have decided to seek medical assistance." The Doctor cheerily divulged this information.

"I see." Her tone was flat.

An awkward silence hung between them for a moment. Then the Doctor picked up the PADDs, and said, "Well, if you'd answer these questions, it will direct me to what symptoms I can medically alleviate."

She reluctantly took the PADDs. "You will inform me of the results of these assessments?"

"Of course, Captain. We're working through this together." He rested a supportive hand on her shoulder.

Kathryn managed to give him the faintest smile. "Thank you, Doctor." She looked down at the PADDs.

"You can fill those out here or return them. If that is all, I have some results to compile before this morning's briefing."

"Morning's briefing?"

"Commanders Chakotay and Tuvok are apprising the senior staff on the status of the negotiations."

Kathryn rose and replied, "I'll do them in my quarters."

The Doctor called over his shoulder, as he entered his office, "Oh and Captain?"

She stopped before leaving sickbay.

"Your physicals gave me plenty cause for concern when too much coffee was your only substance abuse." He swallowed hard and genuine concern furrowed his brow. "As your Doctor, I certainly hope I will not see anymore readings like this one. If you could-"

"Yes, Doctor." She smiled at his concern. "I understand and … you have my word."

He nodded and Kathryn left sickbay.

She hadn't taken two steps when a very young voice from behind her called, "Captain Janeway! Mom, its Captain Janeway."

Kathryn turned to see Naomi and Samantha Wildman. She immediately dropped to one knee to greet the small child.

Naomi threw her arms around Kathryn's neck. Naomi's soft skin and hair brushed against her cheek. Kathryn was overcome by the child's unfettered affection.

Kathryn's voiced broke as she spoke, "It is so good to see you, Naomi. I missed you."

Still the child clung to her and the small arms expressed so much love. Kathryn swallowed hard and pulled Naomi back from her just a little bit. "Let me see you. Are you well?"

She looked at the small child's adoring and completely nonjudgmental eyes. 'How could I let my pain get in the way?' she thought, 'How did I forget what was important?'

Naomi looked up to her and depended on her, but she never even checked in on them when they came back. Momentarily bewildered by love and shame Kathryn looked pale. How many of her crew has she avoided since they came back? Until now, her sense of shame and failure shielded her from their love.

"She is doing much better, thank you Captain," Samantha replied. "She suffered some malnourishment. When Ayala fired upon us aboard the Mawasi freighter, Naomi's fell from her bed and broke her arm. We didn't have sufficient medical equipment but since we got back the Doctor has done a tremendous job. I'm taking her to sickbay now. The Doctor wants to give her weekly treatments to stimulate her bone density."

"Can you stay with me? Mommy has to go," Naomi asked.

Samantha replied, "Naomi, I'm sure the captain is-"

"Its okay, Samantha. I'd love to sit with Naomi during her treatment if you don't mind?"

"Oh, thank you, Captain. That would be wonderful. I have to return to my duties."

Kathryn escorted Naomi into sickbay and sat with her while the Doctor put her under a bioscanner and set the biobed to administer her treatment. Kathryn did her assessments and smiled at the child every time she read a question that she resented. It's worth it, and Naomi couldn't be a better reminder of that fact.

The senior staff had assembled in the briefing room at 1000 hrs and Tuvok explained the process of negotiations that the _Voyager_ crew had initiated on behalf of the Mawasi.

At 1030 Chakotay rose and indicated to Tuvok it was time to summarize his presentation.

Tuvok concluded, "In the end we discovered our primary obstacle in facilitating the treaty negotiations between the Mawasi, Zahl, and the Nihydron has come from our own differences with species of this region. In the alpha quadrant the species that formed the Federation all evolved in such a way that democracy was a common form of politics. The Delta Quadrant species of this region have developed in a monarchist/dictatorship schema. The ideological differences between the Federation and the examples we've provided were perceived as a threat to their social structure and power."

Chakotay added, "While the heads of state put on a show of openness to our negotiations and wined and dined us, the underlings they appointed were hamstrung by having to(no?) really authority to act and certainly none to invoke a democratic intergovernmental structure like our Federation."

"Sounds like you hit a gridlock," Harry commented.

"We did. That is, until Tuvok found a way around it." Chakotay gestured to Tuvok to explain.

"I proposed to each of the governing heads that they appoint a new class of people under their dictatorship. To choose from among notable families who already attend to their court or administrations. These people would become the pool from which to draw their Federation council, but the council would be without a Presidential head and ultimately accountable to their respective worlds. It is an adaptation of our model that has the potential of providing peace and stable communications in this region of space."

Tom whistled, "Sounds like a tough job."

"But it will be among the most prestigious in the Quadrant," Tuvok countered.

"Wait," B'Elanna interjected. "So what you are saying is that you passed the buck? You haven't got any treaties signed, but you've convinced these dictators to assign people to continue your efforts?"

"That isn't exactly how Commander Tuvok put it, but you could say that…" Chakotay gestured to the walls in the room, "between these four walls."

He smiled and leaned forward on the table. "What that has done is put the details of the negotiations back into the hands of the Mawasi, Nyhidron, and Zahl; where it belongs. The resources we've previously invested in providing assistance and possible diplomatic solutions can be directed fully to _Voyager's_ needs. Our hosts are still pleased to assist us, and all are providing us access to their communications arrays to find our crewman. In exchange for this assistance, Tuvok and I will remain available advisors to each ruling government while they select their counsel representative. Our more in-depth involvement may required at a later date."

"Amazing, isn't it?" Harry said to the room.

"Ensign?"

"That we get blown to pieces in the Delta Quadrant, and this is when we make our biggest impact. Think about it. They are trying to build a 'Delta Quadrant Federation.'

Seven raised an eyebrow. "Your optimism is naïve. A Delta Quadrant Federation would be flawed and inefficient."

Harry snorted, "It's better than anything we've seen so far."

Neelix agreed, "I believe Ensign Kim is correct. You've given the delta quadrant what it needs most."

Tom pounded the table. "Here, here."

Chakotay dismissed the room over the weak applause, and the Doctor remained behind to inform him of the latest developments with Kathryn Janeway.


	14. Chapter 14

At 1400hours Kathryn walked on to an empty bridge. She glanced around at the various repairs and timidly walked towards the ready room. She froze several feet from the ready room doors.

The sound of the turbo lift doors behind her caused her to jump and spin around.

"Harry!" Kathryn was obviously startled.

"Captain." Harry frowned.

Quickly regaining her composure, she inquired, "Did Commander Chakotay give orders about not being disturbed?"

"No." Harry shook his head. "He is available. He's been taking status reports all afternoon."

"Thank you." She smiled to Harry, clasped her hands, and spun on her heel to face the ready room. Not wanting to be seen backing down, she stood tall and approached the door.

* * *

Chakotay heard the chime but didn't look up from the computer console on the desk. "Come," he mumbled.

Kathryn entered and the door closed behind her. She waited to be addressed.

He pointed towards a pile of PADDs and began to say, "Put it," until he glanced up to address whoever was before him. "Kathryn." He leaned back against the chair and his mouth remained open punctuating his bewilderment.

She patiently stood at attention. Her hair was up in a tidy bun, not flowing over her shoulders like it did last night. His eyes followed her form and he fought against comparing Kathryn now to Kathryn last night. She looked the epitome of a professional starship captain, and nothing like the sensuous woman that clung to him. He could hardly believe last night happened.

Unconsciously, he rose from her chair as he had done so many times in the past to defer to her.

Kathryn put out a hand to stop him. "I can see you are busy. I only need a moment of your time."

He stood behind the desk and nodded.

"I came to apologize for last night."

Chakotay pursed his lips and looked at the floor. He didn't want to hear this. He knew she was doing the right thing but part of him feared last night's offer might be gone for good. Still, He looked up and listened intently.

"I've never behaved so inappropriately and unprofessionally in all my life. I was disrespectful towards you. I mocked the hard work you've been doing." She swallowed hard and took the smallest step toward him. "And I treated your feelings for me in a crass manner."

He took in a slow deep breath and looked away for a moment. "Kathryn, I…I'm sorry, too. I didn't handle the situation well. I never wanted to embarrass you…"

She held up her hand again. "Just tell me one thing. Everything you said last night, does it still hold true?"

He felt a flash of heat under his collar. He nodded silently. "Yes," he finally added.

"But, Chakotay, what if I can't do it?" She sounded vulnerable, almost fearful.

"Do what?"

"Resume command. What if I can't take back _Voyager_?"

He winced at the thought and took a step towards her. "Kathryn, I only need one thing from you. That is, a certainty that an intimate relationship with me is something you'll never regret." He gently placed both hands on her shoulders. "And that's something you can't be certain of right now. It's an added pressure you don't need. We need time, that's all."

She looked up into his eyes. "Thank you." Bringing her hands up around his neck she gently embraced him. He wrapped his arms around her in a warm hug. His physical strength and strength of character gave her peace.

"Chakotay?" she inquired while leaning on his shoulder. "You looked troubled when I came in."

"I was, yes, and I still am." He stepped back and guided her to the chair. "Have a look at this." He backed up through the files until he pulled up a selection of video footage. "I received this from the Nihydron last night."

They watched a video feed of an escape pod being pursued by a vessel. It traveled into a nebula, seemed to flicker out of phase and then disappear. "The Nihydron are convinced that the escape pod was destroyed, but I'm not convinced. My gut says there is something more to it, but I can't find the slightest trace."

"Who was aboard the pod?"

"Everything would seem to indicate that Mortimer Harron and Anya Daniels were in that pod."

"Anya is an instrumentation technician and Mortimer… he is something of a genius in astro-physics. He is creative but often impractical in his ideas. Anti-social." She put a finger to her lips and rested her hand on her chin as she thought for a moment. "If they were faced with a potential 'first contact' situation or hiding…"

"You're thinking that the occupants of the escape pod managed to cloak it?"

"It's possible." She replayed the footage. No explosion, no debris, and not a single trace. "I'd say highly probable." She looked up at Chakotay who was leaning over her. "We need to run some deep space imaging from astrometrics."

He looked discouraged. "We still have no astrometrics."

"Give me Seven of Nine and two technicians. We'll have what we need to track that shuttle up and running into two hours."

Hesitation flashed across Chakotay's face. Seeing this, Kathryn avoided eye contact by focusing on the computer consol. "Okay, I'll do that but on one condition."

She looked up at him.

"You know I have protocols I need to follow. We need an assessment of your condition and we need to assign your workload accordingly. You can do this today, but we must hold a meeting first thing tomorrow with Tuvok and the Doctor."

Kathryn rose from the chair. "You'll ask Seven of Nine to meet me in astrometrics then?"

Chakotay stepped back for her to pass and Kathryn set out to solve the mystery.


	15. Chapter 15

Seven of Nine entered Astrometrics and surveyed Kathryn's work. Finally she stood beside the captain and pronounced, "This is an inefficient patch working of the relays."

Kathryn didn't stop to give Seven her attention. Her fingers quickly tapped across the console. "Perhaps it is, but I want astrometrics working now, not next week." As she spoke she called up the star chart in question.

Seven observed the operational star chart and raised an eyebrow. "Then you have met your objective. How may I be of assistance?"

"I'm going to need you to add filters as we go. Since my patch job is incomplete, I'll need you to add in the sensors I need as I need them."

"Aye, Captain." Seven set about to do the assigned task.

Kathryn briefly glanced up at the use of her title but continued to zoom in on the nebula in question. She felt a dread inside. Apparently Kathryn Janeway, the consummate scientist has developed a hatred for nebulas. She pushed passed the dread and searched for her crew.

Almost nine hours passed before Kathryn had any success, but when she did she set out to find Chakotay. It was nearly 2300 hrs and the computer sensors were still unable to locate people. She wanted to show him the results personally, but relented and tapped her comm. badge.

"Janeway to Commander Chakotay." She stopped in the corridor.

"Chakotay here." His voice crackled with the static of a poor connection. He was probably on Shantix Five.

"Commander, my astrometrics scans have yielded some results you should see."

"Any sign of the escape pod?"

"I'm tracking it."

"I'll be right up. Can you meet me in the ready room?"

"Aye, sir," Kathryn answered cheerfully and marched down the corridor.

Kathryn waited for Chakotay in the ready room.

It took him nearly half an hour to arrive, and when he did he was dressed in Mawasi formal dinner attire. She wrinkled her nose when he walked through the door and tried to ignore her displeasure. She didn't like him in blue, particularly that middle of the colour pallet blue done in shiny, heavy pleats.

It was obvious to Chakotay that Kathryn was unimpressed. "I'm sorry to keep you waiting. I couldn't get away immediately."

Kathryn said nothing to his apology and he continued, "You said you found the shuttle?"

"I did, and we're tracking it in Nihydron space. I think it's a trap."

Chakotay snorted, "Excuse me? A trap? Set by whom?"

Kathryn shrugged. "A member of the Nihydron most likely."

Chakotay frowned."I think that is unlikely. I just came from a dinner engagement with Chancellor Bergo and the Nihydron potentate Eks Syewert."

"In that?" Kathryn quipped and bit her lip.

Chakotay looked down at his clothing and gave her a broad grin. "Awful, isn't it?" He chuckled.

His good humor dissolved her bitter mood and despite herself, Kathryn laughed with him.

"I've been caught in a horrid outfit, or two, myself on diplomatic missions," Kathryn replied. She smiled at him sincerely and their eyes locked.

"Perhaps, but I'm sure you made it look good."

He wanted to kiss her and knew she would let him, even in his horrendous attire. But, he was in command, so now it was his turn to squelch the warm fire between them. He broke the magic gaze and reached for the PADD in her hand. "These are your findings?" he asked.

"Yes, this is a summary of the tachyon emission patterns. We are still tracking the pod in astrometrics and recording its movement."

Chakotay took a deep breath. "I'll go over these tonight, and we'll discuss what to do with them in the morning after our briefing with Tuvok and the Doctor."

Kathryn looked at the floor. "Have you seen the results of the Doctor's assessment?"

He nodded. "Yes."

"So have I." Kathryn shook her head. "I don't know what to say, or how to respond to it."

"Just be yourself and be honest. I'm sure it'll be fine." He patted the side of her shoulder.

Kathryn took a step into his space and boldly fixed her eyes on his. She wasn't about to risk being spurned by Chakotay again, but she left no doubt that she desired his nearness.

Chakotay embraced her. "It'll be fine. You'll see." He kissed her forehead and held her for a moment. "Now, you've given me a lot of reading to do. I'll see you in the morning."

"Good night, Commander." Kathryn's sultry voice lingered in the room after the door closed behind her.


End file.
